8 Reasons You're Not Having Enough Sex

Bettina Arndt, a sexologist in Britain, asked 98 couples to keep diaries about their sex lives. She then published these findings in a book entitled The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. "[She] uncovers the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere - the creeping hand and feigning of sleep, the staying up late in the hope that he will doze off." Well, that sold me...

The Frisky recently published the Cliff's Notes version of the book with 8 Reasons You're Not Having Enough Sex. Let's look at them, shall we, and see what we can do about it:

1. Rejection

Okay, that one hurts. But it's probably not entirely personal. As usual it's about them and what they want. And they want to sleep. One of the ways to combat this would be sex scheduling. Not my favorite thing, but you wouldn't get that knife to the gut feeling whenever you got the cold shoulder.

2. S/he doesn't want me anymore

May all be in your head. I have the stomach of a gal who had 2 c-sections and my husband still loves my body. But I don't. So most of the negativity I feel comes from me. And that little voice inside that says I can look like Heidi Klum if I just treadmilled it more often.

3. S/he doesn't take out the trash

Yeah. That sucks. Trash stinks. But how 'bout asking instead of expecting them to do something and then being disappointed that they don't. That old bitch "communication" is back and she'd like to be used.

4. Tired of failing sexual expectations

My husband says "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." I don't know who originally said that, I hope it wasn't Dr. Phil or something. But we're back to communication again. Not exactly the most pleasing conversation to have, but necessary. If it's not going well, TALK ABOUT IT! Maybe you both like being spanked, but would never know because you're just pouting after sex about how it wasn't rough enough.

5. Women's libidos just aren't as strong as men's

Just. Not. True. Why do you think Viagra was invented? We happen to have cycles, though. Which means sometimes we're on fire and sometimes we'd rather sleep. But don't fall back on that old chestnut. Believe what your body tells you.

6. Women don't want sex until someone touches them

I think we need t-shirts for bed that read, "Sometimes I just want to snuggle." It would be nice to touch and hold each other without it ending in sex. And also, when you do want it to end in sex some kind of signal would be good. Maybe the t-shirt has "Let's do it," printed on the back and you need only turn around. And also? Sometimes a glass or two of wine can put me in the mood for sex, touching not necessary.

7. Disappointed by how life turned out

I don't know what to say about this one. Except maybe get off your ass and start living. It's not gonna change if you avoid sex and pout about your double-wide.

8. S/he constantly pesters me for sex

Another time when scheduling sex can help. How much is necessary? Communication again. Talk this one out. It simultaneouly sucks and blows to be on either end of this one. But a quick conversation can help everyone get what they want. And the scheduling doesn't have to be so specific. Maybe one Sunday you try for three times.

Clearly, I'm not an expert. But I'm pretty good at calling bullshit. I'm also guilty of a bunch of these myself. If you're in your marriage 'til death you do part, communication seems to be the key to getting there. Not getting to death. Geez. That's creepy. Just keeping your marriage and intimate life going until you're at your 75th wedding anniversary and all the kids and grandkids get grossed out when you tell everyone you still do it.

Scheduling Sex: Married People Get It

Scheduling sex, it's a common thread to most articles written about sex and married life. I've always been slightly afraid to try it. Mostly, I hate routines. But also, there's the freedom factor. "Oh, can't got out Tuesday, it's,...um,...I have an appointment."

This article, "Trash Night: What About Sex?"where the author accidentally scheduled her sex sessions on trash night, is hilarious. We all know it's better to be intimate as couples, but after kids it all changes. She questions why sex is so much more desirable to men and why mutual begging became solo begging after childbirth.

Okay, so hormone changes and sheer exhaustion are a couple of the factors, but what about all the positive things a healthy sex life can do? Are we just ignoring those because we're so exhausted? Is a pre-child orgasm different from a postpartum orgasm? You'd think after a day living in a day care a little pleasure could go a long way. But instead it's the opposite.

I can totally identify with the author. I mean, there's no begging, but there is a feeling of "I should hook you up," in our marriage. When I read the comments on the post, I was kind of surprised to see that most of them were about how ridiculous the marriage sounded and how "SCHEDULING SEX?!" was akin to marital suicide (double homicide?). It's no picnic, but the "how sad's" and "if he isn't getting it at home's..." led me to believe these were mostly people without kids. When a mother piped up with:

"You must not be a mother. ;)

Nothing can sap a sex drive like the fatigue that inevitably comes with children. Not to say it can't be revived... "

It was followed by:

Such a cop out. Everybody gets fatigued. Going to work, even to a job you like, is no picnic in today's environment.

I wonder if he's available for babysitting. On trash night.