Experimental Game?

Oprah is conspiring against me. Last week she had a show about women who leave their husbands and become lesbians. And then Monday, the famed FLDS episode showed the wives all taking care of their children together. This would've normally fallen on deaf ears, (blind eyes?) since I have no desire to switch teams. But this morning, as I was rushing off to the gym, my kids dressed but missing shoes, I thought back to when my sister was visiting.

My husband was at work and my sister and I were heading out to shop or whatever, and as I was applying deodorant I heard her say to my son, "Hey, let's get some shoes on." And she found shoes and socks and I had ended up with some extra minutes to breathe.

This morning,...my husband home for vacation, both kids shoeless and I have an appointment to keep,...and nothing. I started putting shoes on one kid and asked, "Can you put shoes on the other one?" Then the questions, "Where are his shoes? Did you get socks for him?"

My sister, who lives two states away, has been to my house about three times, my husband lives here. And she was able to intuit the need for shoes and socks and where they were hiding.
So, now, Oprah's push for me to become a lesbian is looking better everyday. I can't be the only one who sometimes fantasizes about having a wife? Is the only thing holding me back the sex with women? I've seen The L Word, not too shabby.

The other day I was reading an article in the New York Times called "What Do Women Want?" the gist of which was that while men are generally aroused more specifically, women tended to be more open to what could arouse them. So, straight men were aroused by seeing images of male/female as well as female/female sexual activity. But straight women were aroused by gay sex and straight sex. There are a few evolutionary reasons for this and maybe even some cultural. It's not seen as gross if we admire a beautiful woman. (Read the article, it's long but worth it).

It's fascinating to me. It's certainly not unusual for a straight woman to be aroused by another woman. And couple that with the whole "it takes a village." We could all just get together and form our own village. Help each other with the kids and listen to each other. Take turns cooking meals and have someone working beside you who just instinctively knows why you wash the dishes that way and then reaches for a towel to dry what's in the rack. And there are many things I would do for that kind of help. The least of which is sex with a beautiful woman.

Shopping for condoms

You may have guessed from my post about, um, neck massagers that I am a fan of drugstore.com. I like that you can buy your advil, kleenex, shampoo, baby wipes, neck massager (and whatever else you might want for the bedroom) all in one online place, and your credit card and box are labeled with a nice, friendly, G-rated store name. And hey! You can get condoms there too!

But sometimes you don't want to wait that long. Like the time Kimberly* was in a shopping center and she saw a frantic young man sweating bullets pass her at a dead run, then pass again three minutes later with something in his hand. That something? You guessed it. Pack of condoms. Kimberly had to wonder if the young lady in question would be as enthusiastic by the time the energetic guy returned. One hopes.

But for us moms, I do NOT recommend is that you go condom shopping at most grocery stores or drug stores. Nothing personal against them, except that in my experience, the condoms are either (A) behind the counter and you have to ask for them or (B) in a really conspicuous spot.

I remember running into CVS one night to get condoms and a pregnancy test (ya know how it is) and feeling like I was on display when I had to stand in full view of everyone waiting in line for the pharmacy counter while I made my selections.

My top spot? Target. If you're anything like us, you already love Target. Now you have another reason. At Target (at least the locations I've been to) the condoms are stocked in the same quiet aisle as the tampons, pregnancy tests, ovulation kits, and all those KY "heating" and "tingly" lubricants. Generally there are only women in this aisle, and I feel like I can hide out, take my time, and compare all the varieties and prices. If only Target would wise up and throw in a few neck massagers on this aisle! 

"You guys need a plan A!"

About seven years ago my boyfriend and I made a Saturday morning stop at the Planned Parenthood. He waited in the car while I buzzed and said into the loud speaker, for all to hear, "Emergency Contraception!" I wasn't yelling, but that speaker could make a whisper sound like a bellow. I filled out the paperwork and waited. Finally, the physician's assistant took me into a room, gave me the pills, detailed instructions, and sent me on my way.

I took one pill and wrote a note on my hand to remember to take the second in twelve hours. (If I could remember to take pills, I wouldn't be at the Planned Parenthood on a lovely Saturday morning).

It was very anti-climactic. I expected the pill taking to do something to me. Like Alice. Like I should shrink or grow. Or, at the very least, become enraptured by a white rabbit.

Six and a half years and two kids later, (my boyfriend now my husband), I found myself at the Rite-Aid getting carded and spending $50 on Plan-B once again. I was still trying to figure out what kind of birth control to use. IUD? Pill? I had to talk to my doctor. In the meantime, I used nothing.

Two months after that, I worried that the pharmacist might reach for the Plan-B on recognition. It was my third time, to which my sister exclaimed, "You guys need a plan 'A!'"

The third time really bothered me. I had weird uterine contractions and felt icky. I did not like it one bit. I told my husband I wasn't taking it again.

I finally straightened out my birth control, and the nice ladies at the PP also included two packages of Plan-B. Which, at this point, frightened me. I accepted them. You never know. But I'm hoping not to use them.

I found this excellent article on a blog written by Dr. Sari Locker, a noted sexologist, pointing out the misconceptions and reality of Plan-B. I learned a few things about how it works in our bodies and thought if anyone was considering it, she's a much better source than the pharmacist.

Buying our Sexiness

Shaving, waxing, lingerie, vibrators, porn, pole dancing classes: Is our sexual self-esteem caught up in things that can be bought? The ladies at Jezebel discuss.

Is our over-sexualized culture actually killing our sex lives? - Jezebel
Are women sexually liberated,or just confused? - Times of London

Hormone Imbalance Quiz

Every month our bodies ebb and flow with hormones. After having kids, my world changed. I got the same ebb and flow, just more intense. I was feeling terribly down right before my period and the flow was a bit more than I could handle.

DVR to the rescue! That delightful device taped an Oprah episode featuring Suzanne Somers and her hormone ritual. It also featured regular women with the symptoms I had; low sex drive, slight depression, feeling "not great." Their hormones were checked and women who should have an estrogen level of 200, had a level of 20. 20!

I knew something was off with me anyway, so I was determined to get my hormones checked. After reading and talking to girlfriends, I discovered that, for me, birh control might be my savior. (I'll get back to you on that later).

I found this quiz at Women in Balance. A non-profit women's hormone advocate. It's very pro-hormone replacement therapy, so remember to talk to your doctor. This is just a little quiz to help determine if you may have an imbalance. And one of the few not linked to some kind of expensive program.

William H. Macy is kind of awesome.

“When my pals have kids, I look at them and say ‘look, these kids are almost bullet proof. They can take anything, but I tell you what’s on the critical list: your relationship with your wife.’ So the first thing you’d better do is make a date as soon as that baby comes. There’s a couple things you’ve gotta do: You have to get used to this phrase: ‘I’m sorry, honey. I’m a cad. I can’t believe I even thought the thought, much less said it. You’re right, I’m wrong, what can I do to win your forgiveness?’ You’d better practice that phrase.”

He continues, “You’d better make a date and take your wife out within a month – whether you want to, or not – and you can’t talk about the kid. And you’d better have a romantic weekend within two months because it tears couples apart, these babies do. Felicity and I have been really good about finding time. We’ll go away for two days – for one day, even – and we try to do it four, five, six times a year.” - William H. Macy [OK Magazine]

My Vagina is Guilty

For a long time I had a stubborn patch of eczema on my pinky finger. It drove me mad. It wouldn't go away. One of my metaphysical friends suggested a book that could help me. Turns out skin conditions combined with pinky fingers equals anxiety in the details of life, most specifically family. Well, that's creepy! And true.

Yesterday I was complaining about my bladder infection ritual, i.e. peeing immediately after sex, and my new buddy, cervicitis. My sister said, "What does that book say?"

Turns out my vagina is guilty.

"Anger at mate. Sexual guilt. Punishing Self." Now I'm all for fixing things from the inside out, and I am totally the woman whose inner struggles manifest outwardly. But guilty vagina? I don't even know how to begin. The internet suggests hypnotism, eat right, exercise, volunteer, and journal. My vagina is gonna be a busy lady.

I think it's probably more of a confidence thing. Louise Hay suggests a new thought pattern, "Others mirror the love and self-approval I have for myself. I rejoice in my sexuality." I think that's just good advice for all of us. So let's rejoice in our sexuality together!

Now, if you'll excuse me,...I'm off to drugstore.com. I have a sore,...um,...neck.

Sex toys...Oprah approved!

If that dryer-saddle thing that Kimberly* posted scared you and/or made you blush...yet you were intrigued...have I got the solution for you. Over at Drugstore.com there is a line of sexual aids for women that were given the Oprah stamp of approval. If Oprah says they're okay, then you know they gotta be good: Oprah approved sex toys

If those are still too wild for you, why not try a humble little vibrator like the Bird. It's cute! And it has a cute name!

Finally, if you are: 

(A) embarrassed 

(B) curious but not convinced 

and/or 

(C) worried your kids and/or mother-in-law will find it...

...then I recommend you invest in a small "massager." It looks like something you'd use on your neck. You can store it in any cabinet and relax, because if anyone sees it they won't think twice about it. But you'll know the secret...you can use it to "massage" any body parts you want. 

Just go to a website like Amazon or Drugstore.com and search for "massager." You'll see what I mean.

Multitasking

The Sin Cycle. For the ladies who launder and crave something more.

Seize the Lay

Every last ridiculous minute of my day has to be planned out to accommodate my needs and my kids' schedules. I don't WANT to plan out my sexy time too! Then it doesn't feel, well, sexy. For too long I thought we'd just be spontaneous in our post-kid sex life. And guess what? We were spontaneously not having sex.

So let's not schedule per se. Let's just gather some basic information.

First of all, when can you NOT have sex? Mornings may not work if you can't rise, so to speak, early enough to complete your conquest before the kids wake up. If you leave your lust for the last item of the night, however, chances are you're going to be too tired or your husband is going to fall asleep in front of the T.V. and then the sex shop is closed.

Now, when CAN you spare a naughty moment? Often your best bet is right after the kids pass out. Learn to let the kitchen fester and the DVR take loving care of your TV shows so that you can steal your precious little couple time. Or maybe your schedules do make mornings a possibility. I once read about a couples' therapist that told couples to set their alarm clocks for 4am so they could get up, get laid and then go back to sleep before their day began. That kind of initiative is not happening in my house, but if it works for you, go get it.

So, we haven't scheduled it down to the sordid details but with a clear idea of what could work versus what would be an exercise in futility you have a better chance of recognizing when the right (enough) moment is upon you and seizing the lay!

Hormonal Breakouts

Alpha+mom had a great post about hormones and the havoc the wreak on your skin. I'm sure we've all been there. Pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding; every stage something new happens.
She offers some great tips to combat the breakouts.

"They have to want to fuck you."

Those words were spoken to me by a director back in my acting days. And have haunted me ever since.

They have to want to fuck you. I knew this. At 22 I could light up a room and nail a job interview. I could get away with anything if I smiled that smile.

They have to want to fuck you. I was practiced at making friends and found myself seducing even women into friendships.

They have to want to fuck you. Now the words are like a curse to the 33 year old mother of two. Glancing down at myself as my husband walks in the door after a long day. No make-up, hair disheveled and tucked into a barrette. Clothes worn for comfort and less than flattering to my body. Maybe I smell a little like poop, surrounded as I am by babies and dogs. I rush into preparing dinner and tucking the kids into their beds. Bags under my eyes and sleep filling my brain. And I think, "He doesn't want to fuck me."
It's ridiculous, really. He would most likely take what he could get and not complain. But that's not really the point. Sometimes, I just want him to want me like he did when we met. That would go a long way in the bedroom. Just a look. Slightly possessive, mostly desirous.

But that's up to me, I guess.

Adventures at Planned Parenthood

After a brief hiatus, (and two babies), I decided to try Planned Parenthood again. There's something comforting about the sheer number of vaginas they've seen. They are never gonna peer up in there and gasp in horror; they've seen everything.
Back in my pre-marriage days, I stopped by and found out I had HPV. Very matter of fact diagnoses, no pity, no judgments. And then weekly visits for treatments. And there's nothin' better than a Planned Parenthood Saturday morning.
My decision to go back was mostly due to not being able to schedule an appointment with my gynecologist for birth control. And then, even if I did get a prescription from him, I'd have to go to the drug store once a month to refill my prescription. (I know there are internet refills, but the one we can use is lame and expensive). And PP will give you thirteen cycles of birth control. Thirteen! And that is worth the price of admission.
One of the great things about the PP is the sense of commaderie, (and desperation),that fills the room. As I walked up the path to the front door, a woman leaving smiled at me. And once inside I ended up in a conversation with a woman who was getting an abortion. Maybe it's the anonymity. And the fact that it's just nice to discuss the secret that brought us there.
After waiting and waiting I finally got to be swabbed by a doctor. And because I know they can sometimes be a little rough, I may have firmly stated, "I had C-Sections!" I don't think she cared. But, awesomely, created the slides for viewing right then and maybe six minutes later gave me a bag of Ortho Evra*, (the patch), and some antibiotics for a delightful little cervical infection. Good times!
For someone like me with two kids and not a lot of time and not a lot of memory, I think it's a good place to go for birth control. I don't have to remember to get refills once a month and there's no pharmacy. Just a brown paper bag full of fun!

*I want to share my The Patch experiences with you. Stay tuned!

The gateway touch

I am in close physical contact with my kids all day long. You too, right? Although they give very sweet hugs and kisses, 99% of the physical contact is what I call taking-touching. They are touching me to take love, take affection, take security. And I am happy to give it; it's a big part of the mom-job.

But you know what's coming, right? By the end of the day when I finally get some alone time with the husband, I am touched-out. I have been touched by little humans all day long, and I've had enough. What I really crave is for nothing to touch me except the leather sofa and the remote control. 

So yeah--it's hard to transition from Point A (kids taking-touching me all day long) to Point B (lovemaking with husband).

The solution? The gateway touch. My husband is pretty good at this. We'll be sitting on the sofa watching TV and he will start rubbing my feet. Or if I sit on the floor in front of him and hunch my shoulders pathetically, he knows it's his signal to massage them. My favorite is to have my head touched: temples rubbed, hair stroked, jaw massaged. All of these fall under the category of giving-touching. I can't stress enough how important it is for a mom to be given this sort of comfort at the end of the day. And the gateway touch can lead to other kinds of touching...and maybe even get us to Point B.

Now, you have to make sure your husband knows about the gateway touch. Otherwise you'll find yourself going from hugging and kissing and toting and carrying your little ones...to suddenly having a boner pressed into your backside by a bumbling husband desperate to make contact. You've got to tell him that you need a gateway touch to help you transition from taking to giving. And if he does it right, he might even get lucky in the end.

I Want To Be Having It Already

Once upon a time, I was a difficult lay. I did not want to have sex unless I was going to be adored, cradled, treasured. My husband had to make a real effort to win me over. He didn't really understand why something so simple as sex had to be a constant Merchant/Ivory production. I was pretty sure that I was superior because my feminine sensibility didn't view sex as such a raw, clinical need.

Having children changed my view. Although I understood all the basics of human reproduction, until I was a mother I didn't really get it. Yes, sex makes babies but more importantly having sex with my husband gave me MY babies. Not your run of the mill snot-nosed brats but MY children who are delightful and challenging and have made my heart grow faster than the Grinch's on Christmas morning. (I mean, I cry during episodes of Beauty and the Geek now!) So, I had to let up on sex. It turns out, it's a frickin' miracle whether I'm in Elizabethan garb or not.

Of course, motherhood has changed other things. You know the drill; no time, piled up laundry, dirty diapers, blah, blah blah. No one really wants to hear it. My point is that one night my husband offered his services to me and I felt deflated. My old idea of sex seemed like so much work. I don't have the time or energy for the costuming, lighting and long pre-shoot chats with the director in his trailer that used to be my minimum requirement. I sighed and admitted the truth to him..."I don't want to go have sex right now. I want to be having it already." His smile said it all. I finally got a glimpse of how he has always felt about sex. And it wasn't as base and low-brow as I'd always feared. Yeah, maybe I still want the country manor backdrop to my romantic sex fantasy once in a while but now my husband and I can really enjoy just being in a Captain Morgan Rum commercial together, too.

"This house is not conducive to lovemaking."

An amazing friend of mine and mother of three, was heading out of town for the summer. A good friend of her husband's, a young, handsome Frenchman, was going to house-sit for them. He stopped by for the grand tour and upon opening the door and being presented with said handsome Frenchman and his delicious scent she instantly realized she was make-up less and wearing not so flattering clothing. As she led him through the house, showing him the kitchen, the living room, and the guest room, suddenly every toy in sight closed in on her making her feel as though her gorgeous art deco home was now a glaring showcase for primary colored toys. Seeing her home through the eyes of the sexy Frenchman she thought, "This house is not conducive to lovemaking!"

It's so easy to get used to the toys and the clutter and the dog hair. And when I'm cleaning all day long, it doesn't even occur to me to sex up my bedroom for later. So I went searching for some easy ways to make your bedroom a sex den. And I'm compiled a list I've culled from all over, some great, some ridiculous, with comments:

1. Paint your walls orange. (Or some sexy color).

Orange is apparently very sexy and subconsciously does something fancy to ones loins. And red makes you hungry and yellow makes babies cry. Paint with caution.

2. Remove your TV.

TV is not gonna help you get it on. (Before 10pm, anyway). It reminds me of a friend who had a Pavlovian response to the theme from Sportscenter. And yet, the TV stays.

3. Install a bidet.

I think we can agree on how ridiculous this is.

4. Low Lighting, candles, etc...

I cannot recommend this enough. Drag Queen's use low lighting to hide their flaws and we can too. Installing a dimmer switch in your bedroom takes, like, twenty minutes and costs $7. I also have one in my bathroom.

5. Clean up and declutter.

I informally polled some dudes* and they said that a messy room isn't always a deal breaker, but, yeah, they prefer clean rooms. And if we are trying to rekindle what we had when we were dating, (or before kids), then we need to think like that hot 22 year old who picked up her room before going out "just in case."

6. Install a mirror. Or sexy pictures. Or both.

The mirror thing I'm iffy on. Feng Shui doesn't want the chi bouncing around all night, and I live in earthquake country.
And sexy pictures? Of who? Other people? Like I want to look at hot skinny ladies with nice boobs.
Of me? Not so much...

7. Music

Sure. Maybe assemble an iPod playlist for sexy time. That could be fun.

8. Food. e.g. strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate, wine...

Who's gonna clean that up?

9. Luxurious bedding and scented sheets.

I guess that depends on how luxurious you are. You could just buy new fitted and flat sheets and keep everything else the same. No need to spring for an ensemble. My husband relishes "Clean Sheet Day, " which is a lot cheaper.

And scented sheets? That sounds lovely. It could be a favorite perfume or in my case Demeter's Angel Food Cake would work nicely. That combines 8 and 9 without the mess.

10. Keep the kids out.

This one is hard for me. But if I pick my bedroom up and change the sheets, the last thing I want is Cheetos fingers smeared on my fresh bedding. And when revealed at bedtime, it may feel a little bit more like an oasis.


*Seriously. Dudes.

Why Do It?

A friend once told me that marriage is using the toilet while your husband is in the shower. At the time it sounded truly profound. As if we all build marriage up in our heads and she was there to quash those thoughts with reality. After actually living with someone and then marrying him, it sounded like a lot of rubbish. It's not that simple, especially when you find someone you really love.

But it's interesting. Sometimes after you've been married awhile and have kids dancing around your living room, and you're just trying to get to through the day so you can be yourself again, it seems that your marriage devolves into that of roommates.

After giving birth with all those hormones swirling about our sex drive practically stops. At that point, I could crap on the floor and my husband would not hesitate to do me. But, Jesus, what I wouldn’t give for an eye fuck. Even a small one. That's sexier than a clean kitchen and bathroom combined.

What can we do to regain our sexuality and get back to that relationship we once had?