How Not to Ruin Date Night

Gone on any date nights lately? Chances are, you're doing it all wrong.

I've been conducting an informal poll of my friends and have discovered that their date nights are not ending in sex nearly enough, and it's because they're making easily avoidable mistakes.

Dressing Like a Slob

One friend, let's call her B, told me that she got a babysitter at the last minute and went out for a fast food dinner and movie with her boyfriend. I asked her what she wore, and she shrugged and said "Shorts and a stained shirt." Seriously? I don't care if you're going out at the last minute, you still have enough time to put on tight jeans, a clean shirt and lipstick. Make yourself look good for your man--and insist he do the same. A little sexy underwear underneath isn't a bad idea either.

Eating Like a Pig

Cheeseburger with everything? All you can eat pasta? Double desserts? I understand you're excited to go out to eat without the kids, but you're not doing your figure or your sex life any favors when you order a feast. You know what happens when you eat a big heavy meal? You go home and go to bed with Tums. Instead, keep it light with sushi or a salad, and order dessert to go. It will taste better when it's the final course of the entire evening.

Being a Sloppy Drunk

This is a classic mistake, and I'm certainly guilty of it. If you drink a bottle of wine at dinner and come home hours later, your buzz will be gone and you may have a head or tummy ache. Instead, don't drink during the date (or minimize it), and wait till you get home to knock back a couple. Then you can take immediate advantage of your enhanced mood.

Seeing a Movie. Again.

My friend C told me that they go out twice a month, and all they ever do is see a movie (and often have popcorn for dinner). Nothing wrong with movies--especially if it's a sexy one. But something unique might put you in a more romantic mood. Plan ahead for an evening at the theater, a jazz club, or anything else that sounds different and fun. The new experience will give you more to talk about and set the stage for a deeper connection.

Ruining the Conversation

My friend J actually got it right--she and her husband have a rule to not talk about the kids on date night. And our very own Stacy has said she likes to read the newspaper before a date so she's armed with topics of conversation. Don't forget the lesson I learned about avoiding controversial subjects. Instead, compliment each other, reminisce about your romantic beginnings, maybe even try a little dirty talk.

Just Remember This

If all these rules are making you tired, just remember this: Treat the entire date night as foreplay. Make your time together be a tantric build-up to the hot sex you both deserve when you get back home.

Keeping Up With the Smiths

I make a general assumption that people visiting my house will not be having sex during their visit. Unless it's a couple staying in the guest bedroom for a few days. But a party? A barbeque? No, I figure if you get to feeling randy at my place, that's great! It will give you something to do when you get home.

But maybe I'm way off base. You see it in movies all the time. The hungry, stilettoed lady catches a glimpse of her slick, long-haired mate across the room and the next thing you know they're pounding it out in the bathroom. But that's just Hollywood, isn't it? Real people wouldn't risk flinging all that DNA around a friend's, or even a stranger's home, would they?

Recently, Jada Pinkett Smith talked about her and hubby Will doing just that at parties and even in the limo on the way to the Oscars. (Was that their personal limo? If not, who used it next?) It makes me wonder if I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to get freaky with my husband. I sort of considered it just a common courtesy to control myself. However, discretion and self-control don't come up in a lot of conversations about hot marriages. Maybe I need to be a bit more adventurous...but I'm still suspicious.

Really, Jada? You had sex on the way to the Oscars? I don't care how down to earth you are, your life has to be all about "the image" and controlling what you want and what you do not want said about you, your marriage and your family. And, the OSCARS? It's only the one place and time when any celebrity is the most diligently scrutinized. Really, Jada? I'm sorry, if Will Smith was making eyes at me I would hold him off with my muscled thighs and stiletto heels (this is assuming, of course, that I am used to tapping that on a regular basis and that I have a personal trainer to muscle my thighs.) No. You think again, Mr. Smith, not even you are gonna muss my lipstick tonight! Maybe, Jada, just maybe, you are image savvy and the sex-in-the-limo story amounts to nothing more than a great fantasy that leads us all to believe that you are really that much hotter than the rest of us.

[As an added note: Kimberly tried to find a picture of The Smiths at this year's Oscars. You know what? There weren't any! You know why? That's right. They were doing it. Damn you, Jada, you really are that much hotter than me.]

7 Nights of Passion...Who's Got the Energy?

Rabbi Shmuley gives hot n heavy advice to married couples on how to keep love and sex ablaze. I am half-intrigued, half-appalled by his article on 7 Nights to Sexual Intimacy.

The gist of it is that you don't even have real sex until the seventh night. The nights leading up to it are a slow-paced, tantric build-up of intimacy and passion.

The Rabbi says he wants us to widen our definition of sex:

So often sex comes to mean simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. Here, we are demonstrating that sex is all about making love. It involves not just a few parts of the body but all of the body. To make this effective, sexual control and discipline are, of course, mandatory. Succumbing to the desire to purge the sexual urge negates all that you wish to accomplish in terms of heightening arousal and increasing desire.

He makes it sound pretty hot, and I like the idea of widening the definition of sex beyond the you-got-10-minutes routine so many of us engage in.

On the other hand, though, seven nights of pseudo-sex with no orgasm till the end of the week sounds suspiciously like a lot of work.

But if it helps us relax? Reconnect with each other? Maybe it's worth trying. It's only seven nights after all, and as the Rabbi says, "it’s the intimate journey that is the reward."

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

Another reason to get it on:

Researchers have found that having an orgasm can help you fight off common illnesses. Manfred Schedlowski discovered that sexual activity increases adrenaline and prolactin plasma concentrations as well as the number of white blood cells. Which help your body fight disease.

So, the next time you feel a cold coming on, don't reach for the echinacea, reach for,...well, you know...

Top 10 Things to Do To Have Sex With Me Tonight

10. Instead of Facebook poker, try kitchen cleaning.

9. Take the kids to the park for an hour.
Tire them out.

8. Bring home dinner.
Doesn't have to be fancy.
Take and bake pizza, I don't care.

7. Pick up the bedroom.
It's hard to feel sexy while staring at your stinky socks.

6. Give me a sincere compliment.
Don't tell me I'm cute.

5. Bring me a cocktail and/or chocolate.
In a pretty glass. On a nice plate.

4. Get the kids bathed and tucked in.
Not one or the other. Both.

3. Rent a movie to watch with me. (And not that kind).
If we sense forethought, there may be foreplay.

2. Kiss my neck sans boner.
If I want one, I know how to get it.

1. Tell me I'm a great mother.

Erotic...ca

Seriously, try it. It's so much better now than it used to be. Here are a few reviews and tips on finding what you want:

I recently purchased Nancy Madore's Enchanted. I bought the digital version, which was delivered to my iPod instantly. (Have I mentioned the love I feel for instantaneousness?) The book is a collection of short erotic stories based on classic fairy tales, each focusing on a sexual fantasy or quirk. There's Bluebeard the sadomasochist, The Goose Girl-on-girl, and The Sheep in Wolves' clothes or the wife in hookers' clothes.

I think her books are excellent introductions into erotica, because you get a taste of what's out there and can more easily find what you like. She also has a collection entitled The Twelve Dancing Princesses, which tells a story about each of the princesses and the discontent they feel in their marriages. And how they remedy it. (A little bit harder for me as I don't enjoy stories about rocky marriages and balancing kids and husbands. I do that everyday).

Once I figured out what I wanted in erotic fiction, I needed to figure out how to find it. If I was gonna go to a bookstore, I want to spend as little time as possible standing with my two kids in front of a giant sign that reads "ADULT/EROTIC FICTION." So I found theeroticreader.com. The reviews are exactly what I want. Short, without giving away too much and without expounding on the merits of good vs. bad storytelling. I don't want to read a dissertation, I just want to know if my $6.99 is a good investment. They also divide their reviews into categories, like instant reads, or ebooks, and audiobooks.

Another review site, coffeetimeromance.com, lists book reviews by month reviewed. Some feature a little caution blurb which tells you what you're in for. Nice if you don't like something, or if you really, really do. Information is separate for each book, so you have to click on the review to see which format is available. It really needs some categorizing, because I don't have time to click on every book to see if I like it. But it's nice that someone did most of the work for me. Did I mention how lazy I am?

Are you a multitasker? Is holding a book too much trouble? In our next installment, Jen* will tell us all about erotic audiobooks.

Posted by Jen* and Kimberly*

The Wild Thing

Trying to get pregnant? Looks like wilder, more orgasmic sex gives you a better chance at conception.

"Fertility experts say that women who orgasm during intercourse have a much higher chance of conceiving."

And men produce 50% more sperm.

So, ladies, go crazy and be selfish. Your uterus needs you.


from BettyConfidential.com

Small Actors, Big Parts

Role play has somehow been in the cards for me lately. I keep finding tips and articles and more recently a short story involving sexy costumes and naughty characters. Now, you'd think I'd be all up in its business being an actress and all. But I'm a little meh about it. Like, you're never gonna have to fight me for that Princess Leia outfit at the party store. Nor the sexy fill-in-the-blank.

But that doesn't mean I can't role play in my mind.

Intrigued?

I was reading a short story about a woman who put on a costume and pretended to be a prostitute and let her husband get anal with her. I'm not going there, it's not our anniversary, but part of the delight was that with the costume, she felt more like the character and felt sexier and was more willing to try new things.

So why not skip the costume and just play that hooker in your mind? No need to hit the wig shop. Instead of a catholic school girl, why not pretend you're a woman who gives the best head? Or maybe you're the woman who's completely in charge and takes control like a boss. Or even the sexy teacher showing her student the "Fibonacci sequence."

Confidence is half the battle in the bedroom. So mentally costuming can only add to the fun. It'll be easier to try that new position or toy if you're not in your head, but somebody else is...

Tips for Date Night

Everyone says how important date night is for the marriage. Oftentimes a slow down in the bedroom can be immediately reversed by just a little adult only time. I recently enjoyed a really great date night with my husband and remembered why it's the number one piece of advice for parents. My husband and I don't have a sitter that we use, so we rely on the kindness of family members to watch our children. Here are a couple of other ways to go about it:

• Swap with another couple that is as desperate as you are to get out. You watch their kids, they'll watch yours. This could be tricky for a late date, as it would disrupt bedtime schedules, so maybe make it a matinee and early dinner date on a Saturday. Get home just in time for the kids to be exhausted and maybe you'll get the evening to yourselves as well. And once the kids are old enough, you can swap sleepovers and really get a night to yourself.
  

• Look into Parents' Night Out options locally. Many indoor playgrounds and gyms, such as My Gym, offer an evening of tiring fun for the kids while you and your husband go to dinner and whatever. This way you can think of it as a treat for the whole family. Also, many churches offer a similar service.

• Split up the night out. Kimberly* has a friend who goes out with the girls for a couple of hours and then gets home in time for her husband's late meet-up with his buddies. They both get a break without the babysitting fees. Maybe the reconnecting-with-your-spouse part comes later in the evening, but who cares as long as your getting it?

Once all the stars align and you work out some child care solution, here are some other things to consider for date night.

• Have sex first. If you can, drop those kids off and come back home. It's intoxicating to have your home to yourself. You can make noise, play music that's inappropriate for children and generally be an adult like you used to. If you and your husband start the evening with a little grown-up pleasure, believe me it will only get better. Then you can go out (or not) and there's always time for a little more loving once the kids are home and sleeping.

• Try not to over-schedule. Leave time for spontaneity. Don't try dinner and a movie if you're going to have to rush back. My husband and I had a great time wandering leisurely through a jewelry store together. We weren't going to buy a thing and that made it feel like such an indulgence.

• Maybe read a newspaper. Some people have a hard and fast rule; no talking about the kids on date night. I'm not one of those. I like to talk about our children when they can't overhear us. However, I need to be ready for the conversation to move on to other topics. This can be really hard for me because I don't pay attention to anything going on in the world. I think from now on I'm going to prepare for date night by reading up on a few things. I'm not saying you should prep for a job interview or the Larry King Show, just what interests you. Check out some entertainment news or maybe read up on your favorite sports teams. Maybe even check out what has gone viral on YouTube. Just don't be boring!

Kimberly*? Jen*? Thoughts to share?

Martini for Mama

You may have noticed that we approve of alcohol as a means of getting in the mood for sex. We're not saying it's the only way...but if a drink helps us relax and and makes the old husband look a mite more attractive than usual...then it seems like a pretty good thing.

Here are my super-easy directions for having Mama Martinis at home...any time you want.

1. Buy a bottle of vodka and put it in the freezer. It won't freeze solid--it stays liquid and wonderfully cold. If you have a shaker and a swank glass, so much the better (though they're not required).


2. Choose a mixer--whatever's on hand. Juice, soda, sparkling lemonade. Pretty much anything you like the taste of, you'll like even more with a shot of vodka.


Hey, if the only thing you've got is a juice box...go for it.


Some leftover colored sugar in the pantry? Sweet. Rub a lemon wedge (or a finger dipped in juice) around the rim of your glass and dip it in the sugar. Add your juice and vodka, and a little ice if you like.


Well lookee here! A pretty pink drink that took about 30 seconds to fix. You'll feel gorgeous and grown-up sipping this, and you'll look hot to your husband when he sees you relaxing and enjoying yourself.


Bottoms up! Got any favorite mixers to recommend?

S&M&M's

So there I was, reading my "stories" when I came upon a very strange scene. Set in Victorian England, the hero decides, in the middle of the act, that he can help his lady reach her peak by tying her up. He reaches for his silk cravat and ties her wrists together above her head and then, well, everything...works out.

So I start thinking. First, how amazing it was that a man thought of someone else at that point, and then how if it came down to that, tying me up, the available accoutrements were laughable. I pictured a scene with my husband rushing,naked through the house searching for some kind of tether that won't chafe. And coming back to me with some wooden kids pull toy.

Further along in the book, the hero purchases a Japanese silk cord. (How presumptuous!) And I had to see what the fuss was all about. So here it is.

I brought this dilemma to the ladies* and they came up with neckties, which my husband doesn't wear, belts or silk scarves. Hermes, perhaps?

If you have something like this, you should throw it in your pleasure chest. Just in case. You don't want to end up with that pull toy like me.

Our First Giveaway: Sexy Weekend Bag

Jen* and I picked up this little number while on a field trip for our Target posts. We found everything you need for a quick weekend jaunt and it all fits in a sassy little bag. For $7.

All you have to do is post a comment telling us where you would go for a weekend away with your husband.

Good Luck!

You have until midnight PDT, Friday, June 19th to post. Please include a way to contact you if you win. Winners will be randomly chosen via random.org.

Sexy Etsy

Thanks to Jen*, I've been looking for lingerie lately. And when I look, I get discouraged because it looks either "bride-like" or "waif-like." I'm a bigger lady, size 12, and want something that will compliment my post-baby curves and not make me feel like a mildly sexy sausage.

My other issue is color. I love color. And most of the chemises and teddy's are black and white and red. Where are the teals and magentas? The olives and ceruleans?

While on my daily etsy visit, I decided to browse their lingerie. Which is no small feat, almost half of the search contained garters in every flavor imaginable. But I did find some super cute panties and bras and sets. Some of which are custom made!
Latisha Chemise by chicffonintimate. Ah, magenta! And made of super soft bamboo. Comes in sizes extra small to large.
ladramaqueen's Martini Olive Green Bra Set with High-Waisted Panty. So cute and vintage! Include your measurements when you order and the seller will help you with sizing. Mix and match sizes 0-20.

OnTheInside's Sweetspire Camisole. Super sexy, I included the "conservative" photo. Made in sizes extra small through extra large. You can convo with the seller for sizing help.

Sandmaiden bamboo and organic cotton onesie. Sounds deliciously soft and sexy. Also? Made to order! You pick the colors and provide measurements.

Banikki Bloomettes by Under The Root I love this! So very Moulin Rouge! Made to order with sizing and measuring information on the site. As well as a color chart.

This is just a sampling of my favorites. Other things I found on etsy? A metal corset, pasties, victorian corsets, applewood dildos, and a mug that reads, "I snatch kisses and vice versa." Long live handmade!


P.S. All items are around $60. Including sets!

Don't Shut Down the Sexy

I'm loving this blog. I'm getting great ideas, I'm gaining confidence and things are going well in my marriage bed. But something always kills the momentum. It's like your gym membership. Remember, that monthly bill that you pay and ignore even though you don't quite know where your membership card is anymore? "I was doing great for two whole months, but then I got sick and my mom came to visit and then things picked up at work or preschool or American Idol..." Before you know it you're out of the habit again.

Same thing happens with sex for me. We'll be doing great. Stealing our sexy time two or three times a week and feeling good about it. Then something comes up. Usually my period. Then someone gets sick and just plain needs to sleep. Or the kids get sick and someone has to stay up all night. Then we go visit some relatives and sleep on a crappy air mattress in their basement and no way is that going to happen. Before I know it, we feel like strangers again.

The problem is, I'm pretty good at shutting off my sexual desires. I don't believe that I need sex (even though I'm starting to realize that I'm better off with more of it.) Kimberly* and I spoke about this and she thinks it goes hand in hand with being a mom. She said, "As moms, have we not taken the worst chicken breast, the smallest baked potato? How easy to slip from denying yourself in one part of your life to denying yourself in all parts." It's so true and it's precisely why we need more pleasure in the bedroom, not less of it. I need to really make the mental shift that sex is something good and pleasurable for me, not just something I do for my husband. So I will deal with the setbacks that life gives me and then I will put on that sexy movie, drink a glass of wine in my lingerie and I will not shut down the sexy!

Smelling Sexy

I've been thinking a lot lately about the separation of woman and mom. And ways to make the line between them more clear. Jen* and I were on a random date and ended up browsing the Sephora. We started trying on perfumes and talking about what we liked, i.e. smelling clean, and I was reminded of my fragrance quest.

I decided that fragrance is what will make my double yellow line between the two worlds. A daytime flavor and one I wear for "special" occasions.

When I was younger, my friend's mother always smelled like roses. Which I have always thought to be super cool. Every time you hugged her, roses! Even now, when I smell roses I think of her. And that's what I need. A signature scent, but for sexy time. So when I put it on, I feel sexier and the sense memory will, hopefully, trigger lust in my husband.

While looking for information about sex and smell (sorry, ew.), I found this website, ozMoz.com. It seeks to teach the world about perfume from its history to the manufacturing process. And they have a quiz! To help you find your scent! And even though it's based on strange pictures, it was dead on. I am a citrus with a sub-group aromatic. Stunning! I wear a grapefruit spray everyday! And have owned two of the perfumes on the resulting list!

So now my search has been made that much easier. But just for fun, I'm still browsing here. There's nothing like smelling like cinnamon buns to turn your man on!

Sexy Target: Part 3

Are you ready to GET IT ON (for $9.99)?

Target is so full of good times that we are now on Part 3! In this section, Target will help you get in the mood for an evening of good lovin'. Movies, books, candles and booze...that's all it takes for me. And by purchasing it all at Target, I'm a cheap lay! Just what my husband likes.

First, let's begin with movies. Daniel Craig? Olivier Martinez? Yes, please!

Now that our eyes are stimulated, let's move onto our brains. One of these tossed into a cart full of household necessities will hardly even be noticed. Trust us--those Target checkers don't seem to raise their eyebrows at anything:

There's nothing worse than trying to have a cocktail at the end of a busy day and the only clean glasses in the cabinet have Elmo on them. Buy yourself some sexy new equipment for your mood enhancing drinks. Just holding a martini glass makes me feel sexier:

Target doesn't sell liquor, but it does have a ton of wine. Cheap and fancy, box and bottle. The new smaller boxes are cute and discreet, so you don't have to feel like a lush with a giant Franzia clogging up the fridge:
And finally, here is our arrangement for a sexy night, complete with pleasure chest, candles, chocolate, and wine. We also included a little pack of blank notes. Why not start the foreplay in the morning before work? A note slipped into a pocket or lunch can do more with sheer anticipation than some of the sexiest lingerie:

It's nice to be able to run regular errands and pick up a few things to keep the romance in your relationship. Like I needed more reasons to love Target?

Sexy Target: Part 1

Kimberly* and I set out to prove it's possible to stock up on sexy at the store we go to most: Target. You can pick up all your household essentials, push your kid(z) around in a red cart, stop for popcorn at the snack bar...and buy all your sexy equipment...all under one roof. Awesome.

First stop: lingerie. Yep, they got it. Hot stuff! You can put together a little outfit for under $40:

Just FYI, this here would be a big NO:

Next: new, super soft, eco-friendly bamboo sheets. Mmm. Wouldn't it be nice to slip into these with your man (Stay away from dark colors!):

While you're at it, why not update the love nest with new bedding? We found cushy comforters in stylish shades for not too much moolah. I'm thinking a new set of bedding would be inspirational. It would sure make me want to go to bed earlier, if nothing else:

Next up: Lubricate & Vibrate! Check back tomorrow.

Sex Tips from Dudes

Glamour magazine has a lot of these little slideshows. And usually they're pretty general and lame. But this one cracked me up. His Top 10 Sex Wishes Revealed features five wishes each from the married and the single guy. The contrast made me laugh out loud!


Please wear...

The single guy says: ...my work shirt instead of a robe in the morning. Then I'll put it on and smell you all day.

The married guy says: ...something more sensual than an old, ratty tee and Hello! Kitty flannels. However, I promise to step it up too.

It's so funny how the single dude is living out his fantasies and the married guy has all but given up. I bet, if pressed, he wouldn't even mind the flannel if he knew he was gettin' some.

High Heels and Sex Lives

My sister/researcher emailed me this article from Self.com. It's an excerpt from the book Behind the Bedroom Door: Getting It, Giving It, Loving It, Missing It. The first is about humor and sex. Jen* and Stacy* and I recently discussed why all the movies with the great sex scenes are dramas. Like why can't you have a funny, endearing heroine who gets some incredibly hot sex while learning about herself and her place in the world? I think it all comes down to money and studios wanting to make a lot of it. And also that if there is sex in a comedy the sex is funny.

Valerie Frankel writes in Ouch You're Lying on My Hair about several comedic moments that have happened between her and her husband. And how men already sort of "get" how ridiculous sex can be and maybe that's what holds us back sometimes. We're still expecting the low lit, airbrushed version when, really, it's more like something out of Wild Kingdom.

The second essay from the book is by MP Dunleavey called My Not-So-Kinky Sex Life. She talks about her return to dating after a big break-up in her mid-thirties. Kink is in the air as she navigates the dating scene and she starts to feel prudish. When she finally meets the perfect man, she's waiting for the other stiletto to drop, expecting to suddenly learn of his S&M fixation.
I could totally identify with her. My good friend is going through a divorce right now and her tales of the dating world are not far off from Dunleavey's. And I would feel like the most ginormous prude if I were dropped into that world.

It was so refreshing to read some honest, funny tales of sex and nice to know that I'm not the only one occasionally living a french farce in the bedroom.

Sexy Movie Thursday

William Adamson (Mark Rylance),a naturalist, returns to Victorian England after studying for several years in the Amazon. After losing nearly all his possessions and research in a shipwreck, he is offered an assistant position at the country estate of Sir Harold Alabaster. He falls for Sir Harold's daughter, Eugenia (Patsy Kensit).

As he studies a colony of ants with poor relation/nanny Matty Crompton (Kristen Scott Thomas), the drama unfolds revealing shocking family secrets.
It is an incredible film, with love and sex and manipulation. And gorgeous costumes and perfect hair. It features three sex scenes that are sexy and mildly erotic.

Angels and Insects makes several erotic movie lists, and I believe it to be mostly because while it does go further than other films in the sex department, it seems more likely that the Victorian Era and the stuffiness and the ankle covering make it more erotic than it is. But still a gorgeous, interesting film.


Watchable with husband?
He may not like the costume drama, but naked Pasty Kensit is a good time.

Manipulative Woman Scale
Annette Being in Being Julia

Available?
iTunes (Buy or Rent)
Amazon Digital Rental