Stay-at-Home-Flirt

I don't know about you, but when I was a fulltime worker back in the olden days, I worked in an  office full of mostly men. I was happily married (natch), but I enjoyed looking cute and acting cute and (I admit it) indulging in some innocent office flirtation. 

Now I'm a stay-at-home-mom who freelances from home. I rarely interact with men. When I'm out with the kids, men generally avoid any contact whatsoever. I've talked to my husband about this, and he says that when he sees a woman with kids, he tries to not even make eye contact because he wants to avoid even a hint of creepiness, of being too interested in either her or her kids. Makes sense I guess. The only other men I regularly see are my mom-friends' husbands. We might have conversations, joke around a little, but for some reason the relationship always seems slightly strained. Is it just me?

So I've been thinking about how the life of a SAHM means not getting much male attention, and what effect that can have on how sexy (or not) I feel. It really helps when I go out on my own (or with a girlfriend) with no kids. Suddenly, men check me out, make eye contact, open the door, even start a conversation with me. 

It's nice. It reminds me that I'm a woman, that I have some shred of desirability left to man-eyes. And I like to mention it to my husband, to make sure he knows I still got it. As Kimberly* pointed out to me, as Stay-at-Home-Flirts, we now have to get most of our sexy validation from our husbands alone. They'd better be up to the task. If we have to report back some mild flirting in order to hot things up at home, so be it.

Sexy Movie Thursday

I was so excited to get to watch an Ang Lee movie for this blog. And it's not Brokeback Mountain!

Lust, Caution is set in Japanese occupied China during WWII. A young woman, Wong Chia Chi (Wei Tang) joins the drama club in college and then gets caught up in a plot to kill a traitor, Mr. Yee (Tony Leung). It almost works, but the Yee's move back to Shaghai and it's all over. Four years later, the war still going on, things have gotten worse. The real resistance hires Wong Chia Chi to again befriend the Yee's and force Mr. Yee to a place where he can be assassinated. But can she seduce him without losing her heart?

The sex in the movie begins with severe S&M and then as they slowly fall for each other, it softens up a bit. It's all in sync with their characters and quite explicit. (Ang Lee refused to edit the scenes and release it with an "R" rating). I found the scenes to be more real than most "movie sex" and felt that the sex served a purpose in the movie, it wasn't at all gratuitous.

This movie was gorgeous and sad and incredible. I cannot recommend it enough.


Chinese Number Scale:
88

Watchable with your husband?
Yes. Incredible story about war and love.

Reasons to love lingerie (try it tonight!)

I think a lot of my mom-friends don't bother with lingerie. I've heard disparaging comments and seen rolling eyes when the topic is mentioned. I'm not sure I understand that...because I love lingerie. Let me count the reasons why.

Reason #1: Anything that makes us feel prettier/sexier...is a very good thing. I am a big believer in taking care of your physical self. Exercise, manicures, shaving or waxing the bikini area, etc etc. I also believe it extends to wearing clothes that fit your body and make you look good. Not just in the daytime when you're seeing your coworkers and friends and the guy at Starbucks who makes your latte just right. But also in the night when it's for your and your husband's eyes only. Wearing a stretched out t-shirt and sweat shorts may be comfy, but it ain't sexy. And to be honest, it's not even as cute as you think it is. A little nightgown or matching cami/panties would look a lot better on you.

Reason #2: It helps bridge the gap between MOM and SEXPOT. We talk all the time about getting in the mood at night after the kids are down. I can't think of anything that marks the divide better than changing into something provocative. Imagine that when the house is quiet and you're getting ready for bed...you take a few minutes to slip into something obviously sexy. Maybe spray on perfume and add some lipgloss. Then go say "hello handsome" to your husband. He won't be thinking "mother of my children" or "spender of my paycheck" or "the shrew who serves microwave dinners and complains." He'll be thinking...well, nothing. He'll be too busy unzipping and shoving you into the bedroom.

Reason #3: Even shopping for lingerie is sexy. Try it: shop online for lingerie with your husband. Ask him what he likes, then ask him for the credit card. Or if you steal some time to go shopping by yourself (don't do this with a kid in tow--it's depressing and weird, trust me), have fun trying on a bunch of different styles. You may be surprised to see how good lingerie looks on you, no matter what you think of your body (see #4).

Reason #4: Camouflage. You might think that because your post-baby body isn't perfect, you shouldn't try to dress sexy. You are so, so wrong. The beauty of lingerie is that it can strategically cover up the parts you aren't so happy with...even during sex! A crotchless teddy can be kept on the entire time, keeping your bulging belly under wraps (and even keeping your breasts covered up, which some breastfeeding women may prefer). A silk chemise shows off your cleavage while concealing your chub at the waistline or hips. And have you tried the new boyshorts style of panties that seem to have cropped up everywhere? They are very flattering to a lot of body types. Add a matching cami and you're one hot mama.

Reason #5: It mixes things up. It's hard to stay excited about a sex life when you've been married X number of years and have birthed X number of children. Any simple little things we can do to keep it fresh, shake up the routine, and help us think sexier are important. Putting on lingerie is an easy thing all of us can do. So...do it.

Looking for Balance

There have been phases in my life when I have really struggled with yeast infections. It's not such a problem anymore. I think it's because I have severely cut my high fructose corn syrup intake, but what do I know? However, I still get out of balance sometimes and can't quite figure out what to do. I feel like a yeast infection is imminent but it doesn't materialize. That's a bummer, because then I have nothing to treat and in the meantime, sex is just not working out because my body is protesting.

In related news, my preschooler still gets uncomfortable red rashes on her bottom and vulva that look and act like those yeasty diaper rashes from her younger days. I have been researching what to do to help her with that issue and found that some parents give their kids probiotics to help keep their digestive systems in balance. I'm trying Primadophilus for kids from Whole Foods. It's chewable and cherry flavored and seems to be helping her.

Then it hit me, why don't I take probiotics to keep my system rolling along as well? News flash: my kid got the problem from somewhere. Last week, I felt my system slipping out of balance but after three days of probiotics, I was good as new. I took Culturelle which was pretty pricey. I think next time I'll try the Primadophilus for adults. It sort of irks me that after years of going to doctors for not-quite-yeast-infections, I had to figure this one out on my own. However, if it keeps me "in the game" in the bedroom, I'll just be pleased that I make such a good self-diagnoser.

High Heels and Sex Lives

My sister/researcher emailed me this article from Self.com. It's an excerpt from the book Behind the Bedroom Door: Getting It, Giving It, Loving It, Missing It. The first is about humor and sex. Jen* and Stacy* and I recently discussed why all the movies with the great sex scenes are dramas. Like why can't you have a funny, endearing heroine who gets some incredibly hot sex while learning about herself and her place in the world? I think it all comes down to money and studios wanting to make a lot of it. And also that if there is sex in a comedy the sex is funny.

Valerie Frankel writes in Ouch You're Lying on My Hair about several comedic moments that have happened between her and her husband. And how men already sort of "get" how ridiculous sex can be and maybe that's what holds us back sometimes. We're still expecting the low lit, airbrushed version when, really, it's more like something out of Wild Kingdom.

The second essay from the book is by MP Dunleavey called My Not-So-Kinky Sex Life. She talks about her return to dating after a big break-up in her mid-thirties. Kink is in the air as she navigates the dating scene and she starts to feel prudish. When she finally meets the perfect man, she's waiting for the other stiletto to drop, expecting to suddenly learn of his S&M fixation.
I could totally identify with her. My good friend is going through a divorce right now and her tales of the dating world are not far off from Dunleavey's. And I would feel like the most ginormous prude if I were dropped into that world.

It was so refreshing to read some honest, funny tales of sex and nice to know that I'm not the only one occasionally living a french farce in the bedroom.

Sexy Movie Thursday

William Adamson (Mark Rylance),a naturalist, returns to Victorian England after studying for several years in the Amazon. After losing nearly all his possessions and research in a shipwreck, he is offered an assistant position at the country estate of Sir Harold Alabaster. He falls for Sir Harold's daughter, Eugenia (Patsy Kensit).

As he studies a colony of ants with poor relation/nanny Matty Crompton (Kristen Scott Thomas), the drama unfolds revealing shocking family secrets.
It is an incredible film, with love and sex and manipulation. And gorgeous costumes and perfect hair. It features three sex scenes that are sexy and mildly erotic.

Angels and Insects makes several erotic movie lists, and I believe it to be mostly because while it does go further than other films in the sex department, it seems more likely that the Victorian Era and the stuffiness and the ankle covering make it more erotic than it is. But still a gorgeous, interesting film.


Watchable with husband?
He may not like the costume drama, but naked Pasty Kensit is a good time.

Manipulative Woman Scale
Annette Being in Being Julia

Available?
iTunes (Buy or Rent)
Amazon Digital Rental

Guilty Vagina Two

It's guilty vagina time again! This time I went and got a bladder infection. Which bummed me out because I am such a clean freak. And a pee after sex freak. So I went to the PP and waited for an hour and got my prescription. But that's when all hell broke loose...

I forgot about mixing yogurt with antibiotics, (which is hilarious because I consider myself a yogurt nazi), and went and got myself a yeast infection. The worst one in the history of mankind. And after a few days of "uncomfortableness," I would've done just about anything to end it.

That's when I found this website. Simply called the yeast infection homepage, it had some of the best information, (I'm kind of an expert since I've read every page about yeast infections on the internets), and some of the craziest cures. It was written by a biology professor, not a doctor, so read at your own risk. The look is very 1996, but I just loved the candor and that it included over-the-counter as well as homeopathic options.

Another discovery in my trying time is Nirena. I got a free sample at a beauty supply store and busted it out this week. It is a feminine hygiene cleanser, but super fancy. With none of that sodium hydroxide and sodium lauryl sulfate, which messes with our healthy pH levels.
It is fragrance free, so it doesn't interfere with your cassolette, and anti-bacterial, anti-fungal and anti-inflammatory. Which can help keep the yuck from your junk.

I used it and it really did help. It's not a cure, but I definitely felt better. And bought myself a full bottle ($27 for 4 oz!). Small price to pay to avoid injecting yogurt in my loo-loo.

Girls Night Out

Are girls' nights out necessary?

Can they be conducive to a happy, sexy marriage?

I think...yes and yes! Last night Kimberly* and I went out for cocktails and a movie. We dressed up pretty and wore mascara for each other, and wondered if any young men would take notice. To be honest, I'm not sure they did...except maybe our cute waiter, who was Asian but named Smith (not making that up).

But we talked. Oh, we talked. A few $12 martinis go a long way toward loosening the lips. By the time we were ready to stumble across the grassy quad to the movie theater, we'd talked about everything from which movie stars our husbands resemble to whether or not we like it when their female coworkers flirt with them.

I like having a pro-husband talk with a friend. Sometimes when the women get together it degenerates way too quickly into man-bashing. I understand the need to vent once in a while, but do I really need to hear about how stinky your man is, or how rarely he does the dishes, or that he doesn't listen to you enough? I'd rather hear about what he's doing right. How he's rocking your world. I think K* and I enjoy bragging about what's awesome about our guys, and it makes us eager to get back home to them.

By the time I got home, I was sober and relaxed, and ready to greet the husband with a smile and a lingering kiss. An evening of conversation and fun with my girlfriend made me feel that much better about a night at home with my (legally permanent) boyfriend.

Sexy Movie Thursday

Watching a movie with your husband can be a great way to "get in the mood." But what to watch? The girls and I researched and found a bunch. Since there were so many that we hadn't seen, we decided to review one for you each week. (I didn't want to send you off on the path to great sex with a map of lameness). Our list was compiled after lots of internet research. We wanted sexy, erotic films we could watch with our husband that weren't porn. (If you want porn, it is way easier to find). Recommendations welcome!

Yesterday, after trying for two days to download a movie on my laptop, I finally broke down and went to my local video conglomerate. I walked up and down the aisles looking for films on my list. It was terribly frustrating. The movie would be there, but it wouldn't be the unrated version. So I ended up with very mainstream movies.

Last night I grabbed a glass of bad sparkling wine and sat down to watch In the Cut. Frannie, (Meg Ryan), a lonely New York english professor, lives in the vicinity of a gruesome murder. Detective Malloy, (Mark Ruffalo), is sent to question possible witnesses. Thus begins Frannie's voyage into the "darker side of passion." Soon she realizes that she knows more than she should and begins to question the motives of all the men in her life.

There were two pretty good sex scenes, slightly more realistic than erotic. And if you enjoy a little Mark Ruffalo, it's a good time. 

The only downside to this film is that there are at least two parts with graphic depictions of crime scenes. Maybe a few degrees worse than an episode of CSI. 

Watchable with husband? 

Yes. Moderately so.

Baldwin Scale

Alec Baldwin in Malice

I also had the opportunity to watch Red Shoe Diaries 15: The Forbidden Zone. Now, I am a suspender of disbelief, truly, but let's just say my disbelief was freed and took off to watch something else.

The DVD was comprised of three short stories that were lame and not at all erotic and very talkie. I found myself trying to write something better. And trying to stay awake. Even with a topless Beverly Johnson, I felt nothing.

Watchable with husband?

NO. Bad sets and bad writing equals mostly laughter in the bedroom.

Baldwin Scale

Stephen Baldwin in Posse

Sex Chair

This article, The Plain, Unmarked Box Arrived, made me laugh. It's about a couple with two kids who buy The Esse Sex Chair. This is exactly what would happen if I bought one...


The Plain, Unmarked Box Arrived by Lori Jakiela [NYTimes]

What's so great about sex after kids?

The other day, during one of our infamous playdates, I asked Kimberly* if there's anything about sex that's better after having kids. 

We stared at each other in dumb silence for a minute while the children swirled about our feet.

Then, finally, we managed to come up with a few things. Tell us if you agree, or if you have any ideas of your own.

Our Bodies, Our Sex Lives

There's nothing like going through pregnancy and childbirth together to help a man get to know his lady's ladyparts. After observing my vaginal births, my husband has literally seen aspects of myself that I never have, and never want to. I remember during one of my deliveries the nurse offered to hold a mirror down there so I could see the baby's head crowning. I told her "NO WAY." I didn't want that particular image burned into my memory for all of future sexy time. 

But luckily, the horrors don't seem to have affected my husband's attraction for my nether regions. I figure if he's seen all that, and now sees my poochy belly, stretch marks, etc....and still wants me...that's kinda awesome. And sexy. And even though I sometimes feel bad about how I look, the fact that this man has seen so much and is still by my side, wanting to be with me and make me feel good, gives me a weird sort of confidence in my body that I don't think I ever had before kids.

Nothing Is Sacred Anymore

I don't care how frank you were talking sex with girlfriends before kids, there is nothing like the intimacy of talking bodies with fellow moms. Get two baby-toting mamas in the same room, and before they know each other's last names they'll know about each other's hemorrhoids, episiotomies and cracked nipples. At a recent playgroup, complaints about our bodies turned into show-and-tell as one mom lifted her shirt to show her muffin top, another displayed weird veins and fat knees, and another actually flashed her boobs to show that, really, however they looked in her clothes was totally due to a good quality bra.

We tell our war stories and show our scars like any battle veterans. When the conversation turns to sex, the confessions, confusions and frustrations start pouring out. I remember at a playgroup I was in years ago, when all the babies were approaching their first birthdays, one mom confessed she and her husband hadn't had sex yet--it had been literally more than a year since they'd done it. Another mom said that she was putting out three times a week despite her exhaustion, in an effort to keep her demanding husband satisfied. Another mom said she loved having sex more than ever, that she appreciated the pleasure and mental escape it offered.

Different attitudes, different stories...but a common purpose: By talking about sex more frankly than ever before, we can all learn how to make it better. Or at least how to get it started again.

Seize the Moment

Anything that is rare or hard to achieve becomes more precious. Much as we'd like to advocate that all our mama-readers get their sexy on multiple times a week, we've got to be realistic and admit that for most busy/tired moms, if you're doing it more than once a month, you're in pretty damn good shape. 

Hence the importance (and deliciousness) of seizing the moment, any good sexy moment, that comes along. Whenever you have an ounce of energy left at night, or you find yourselves tipsy after a party, or you wake up early before the sun and the kids are up...seize that moment in the name of sex. You'll never regret stealing 10 minutes for sex with your husband. But you might regret looking back and realizing how many opportunities you let slip by.

Know Your Stuff

I am a lifelong learner (read: nerd.) That's ok, though. I can rock a pair of glasses Tina Fey-Style and my husband finds intelligence alluring, so it works for me.

A great way to keep my sex drive alive is to think about sex. And a great way to think about sex is to be learning something new. That's why I got these cool flashcards from Knock Knock. They are funny AND informative. For instance:

cassolette n. orig. ref. to perfume box with perforated lid, worn inside vagina in 18c France: a woman's natural personal scent. Used in a sentence: "Here's to a pungent cassolette!"

Never heard of that term before. And guess what? I'm thinking about sex. Aren't you? The cards are available from knockknock. I'm not going to be cheesy and say, "You can make a game of it and try to act out the cards in the bedroom..." That's ridiculous. But who knows? If I get drunk enough, I might offer my husband some Axillism. (That's penis-armpit intercourse, ladies. You just learned something new!)

Another good reason to be up to date on the lingo is that I'm a mom with two daughters who, if I believe the evening news, may be expected to give blow jobs in order to have male friends, possibly as early as Kindergarten. With that in mind I recently decided I'd better find out what a Dirty Sanchez is - Jon Stewart referenced it, so I guess it's time to find out.

I found out here: urbandictionary.com. Yeah, it wasn't very tempting, or even sexy, but, hey, now I know! So check it out; expand your sexual knowledge base. But I am warning you: DO NOT under ANY circumstances look up the Alabama Hot Pocket. You DO NOT want to know.

Oh, boy. You're gonna look, aren't you?

Timing Is Everything

I think the number-one thing keeping me from having more sex is how tired I am at the end of the day. By the time I crawl into bed at 10 or 11 p.m., I have zero energy left for love.

And forget about morning sex with small children in the house.

The solution is timing: We need to get the kids down earlier and make sure we go to bed together as early as possible, when I can still keep my eyes open. Afterward, if I want to read a book or he needs to do a little work, fine. We'll be all the more relaxed while we do it.

One of my favorite sexy memories involved good timing. (It also helps that it happened before we had kids.) One Valentine's Day, I rushed to get home from work before the husband. I quickly prepared a tray of finger foods, wrapped it with plastic and popped it in the fridge. Then I took a bowl of strawberries and a bottle of champagne to the bedroom, changed into lingerie and laid in wait. When he got home, we enjoyed a twilight hour in the bedroom. Afterward we watched a movie together and ate the light dinner I'd already prepared. It was a brilliant, sweet, romantic evening, easily achieved with a bit of foresight.

I've been wondering if I can orchestrate something similar now, working around the kids. I'm going to think more about how I can time our evenings to maximize our potential in bed. (Step 1: Enforce an earlier bedtime for the kids every night. Sex or no, it will make our evenings nicer.)

Note to self: Notes for him!

I was reading an article from the 1940's about how to be a good wife. There were ten "commandments" for a good marriage and one of them was:

"Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business). Morale is a woman's business."

I told my husband about it jokingly and he looked at me in complete seriousness and said, "It's true."

So, what to do...?

All this recent talk about sexting got me thinking. I was thinking about how easy it would be to accidentally send Jen* some incredibly sexy text about what I'm going to do to her tonight. Therefore, I'm going old school, ladies. Analog texting. That's right, cards! With mini envelopes. You can slip one in his briefcase or lunch bag. Or in his Blackberry/iPhone case.
I've left them in the medicine cabinet, or on the coffee maker so it was the first thing he saw in the morning. A little of your own text...

You. Me. Bedroom. Tonight.
I want you lying beneath me, naked and hungry.*

And you'll have a happy and ego-ful husband who can't wait to see you! Naked.

(Notes also available in French and Spanish).


YeeHaw Industries
Miss Abigail's Time Warp Advice



*Okay, those were way bad. I smell another post blooming.

Your Pleasure Chest

To assume that we're all "ready to go" at a moments notice is absurd. We are not Marines. But having a sensual arsenal in your bedside table, or, let's be honest, a wadded Target bag on the top shelf of your closet, can help those spontaneous interludes proceed more smoothly.

Here are a few items to include:

1. Vibrator
A small clitoral one will do.

2. Lubricant

3. Sexy Book
Our brain needs stimulation, too!

4. iPod/CD player with sexy playlist

5. Altoids
Also for fresh breath. And peppermint is energizing!

6. Scented/flavored massage oil
I have a Pavlovian response to orange-ginger lotion.

7. Condoms
You never know...

You can add other things if you're more adventurous. Like a game or a blindfold. This is only the beginning!

Wish List

All this sex research and blogging has got me thinking about some goodies I'd like to add to the bedroom. Nothing heinous...just some little things to spice it up and make the bedroom less place-where-my-kids-leave-their-toys and more of a sex den.

Here's my wish list: 

1. Wedge pillow (like this one pictured above)

2. Really excellent quality new sheets (my current set has a couple of small holes...not sexy)

3. Clock radio that plays an iPod

4. New "neck massager"

5. Candles (cliched, perhaps, but effective at mood enhancing)

6. Martini glasses (I don't feel swank drinking a vodka cocktail out of the same thick glass my kids use for milk)

Got any suggestions to add?

Let's Get Physical!

I've been exercising lately. (Which, for me, is highly suspect). When I'm not on the treadmill listening to Fergie, I'm taking classes to work on my core. After two c-sections, my ab muscles are a little,...loose. Pilates seems to be helping, and I couldn't help but notice how much exercise we do with our pelvis. All the while clenching our PC muscles. In fact, my instructor wants us to both "press our belly button to our spine" all day while simultaneously doing our kegels. I always feel amazing after class and wanted to pass along that feeling.

Because these exercises would be impossible for me, a novice, to explain, I found My Secret Spiritual Dance to do it for me. The blog also features information on tantric sex, which, if I had the time, I might think about trying. But, you know,...you got 10 minutes...