8 Reasons You're Not Having Enough Sex

Bettina Arndt, a sexologist in Britain, asked 98 couples to keep diaries about their sex lives. She then published these findings in a book entitled The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. "[She] uncovers the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere - the creeping hand and feigning of sleep, the staying up late in the hope that he will doze off." Well, that sold me...

The Frisky recently published the Cliff's Notes version of the book with 8 Reasons You're Not Having Enough Sex. Let's look at them, shall we, and see what we can do about it:

1. Rejection

Okay, that one hurts. But it's probably not entirely personal. As usual it's about them and what they want. And they want to sleep. One of the ways to combat this would be sex scheduling. Not my favorite thing, but you wouldn't get that knife to the gut feeling whenever you got the cold shoulder.

2. S/he doesn't want me anymore

May all be in your head. I have the stomach of a gal who had 2 c-sections and my husband still loves my body. But I don't. So most of the negativity I feel comes from me. And that little voice inside that says I can look like Heidi Klum if I just treadmilled it more often.

3. S/he doesn't take out the trash

Yeah. That sucks. Trash stinks. But how 'bout asking instead of expecting them to do something and then being disappointed that they don't. That old bitch "communication" is back and she'd like to be used.

4. Tired of failing sexual expectations

My husband says "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." I don't know who originally said that, I hope it wasn't Dr. Phil or something. But we're back to communication again. Not exactly the most pleasing conversation to have, but necessary. If it's not going well, TALK ABOUT IT! Maybe you both like being spanked, but would never know because you're just pouting after sex about how it wasn't rough enough.

5. Women's libidos just aren't as strong as men's

Just. Not. True. Why do you think Viagra was invented? We happen to have cycles, though. Which means sometimes we're on fire and sometimes we'd rather sleep. But don't fall back on that old chestnut. Believe what your body tells you.

6. Women don't want sex until someone touches them

I think we need t-shirts for bed that read, "Sometimes I just want to snuggle." It would be nice to touch and hold each other without it ending in sex. And also, when you do want it to end in sex some kind of signal would be good. Maybe the t-shirt has "Let's do it," printed on the back and you need only turn around. And also? Sometimes a glass or two of wine can put me in the mood for sex, touching not necessary.

7. Disappointed by how life turned out

I don't know what to say about this one. Except maybe get off your ass and start living. It's not gonna change if you avoid sex and pout about your double-wide.

8. S/he constantly pesters me for sex

Another time when scheduling sex can help. How much is necessary? Communication again. Talk this one out. It simultaneouly sucks and blows to be on either end of this one. But a quick conversation can help everyone get what they want. And the scheduling doesn't have to be so specific. Maybe one Sunday you try for three times.

Clearly, I'm not an expert. But I'm pretty good at calling bullshit. I'm also guilty of a bunch of these myself. If you're in your marriage 'til death you do part, communication seems to be the key to getting there. Not getting to death. Geez. That's creepy. Just keeping your marriage and intimate life going until you're at your 75th wedding anniversary and all the kids and grandkids get grossed out when you tell everyone you still do it.

A Brand New You: "Mummy Tummy"

After pregnancy and childbirth, many women are left with a separation in their abdominal muscles called a diastasis recti. This is problematic for several reasons:

• It's not sexy. It can leave you with a pot belly that makes you feel like you always look pregnant.
• It can lead to pain. The abdominal separation itself is not painful but the weakness in your core muscles can lead to back pain or a hernia if left untreated.
• Normal abdominal exercises can make it worse. You've got to heal the diastasis before you can do regular crunches or other common core exercises or you may exacerbate the problem.
  

An article called 5 Things to Know About Mummy Tummy gives a great overview and includes a description of some exercises to help reverse the condition.

If you suspect you have diastasis recti, get diagnosed first. (Duh.) I would recommend finding a physical therapist who specializes in women's health to help you heal, but there are also exercise videos and books available if you search around. One book that seems popular is Lose Your Mummy Tummy by Julie Tuppler.

Keeping Up With the Smiths

I make a general assumption that people visiting my house will not be having sex during their visit. Unless it's a couple staying in the guest bedroom for a few days. But a party? A barbeque? No, I figure if you get to feeling randy at my place, that's great! It will give you something to do when you get home.

But maybe I'm way off base. You see it in movies all the time. The hungry, stilettoed lady catches a glimpse of her slick, long-haired mate across the room and the next thing you know they're pounding it out in the bathroom. But that's just Hollywood, isn't it? Real people wouldn't risk flinging all that DNA around a friend's, or even a stranger's home, would they?

Recently, Jada Pinkett Smith talked about her and hubby Will doing just that at parties and even in the limo on the way to the Oscars. (Was that their personal limo? If not, who used it next?) It makes me wonder if I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to get freaky with my husband. I sort of considered it just a common courtesy to control myself. However, discretion and self-control don't come up in a lot of conversations about hot marriages. Maybe I need to be a bit more adventurous...but I'm still suspicious.

Really, Jada? You had sex on the way to the Oscars? I don't care how down to earth you are, your life has to be all about "the image" and controlling what you want and what you do not want said about you, your marriage and your family. And, the OSCARS? It's only the one place and time when any celebrity is the most diligently scrutinized. Really, Jada? I'm sorry, if Will Smith was making eyes at me I would hold him off with my muscled thighs and stiletto heels (this is assuming, of course, that I am used to tapping that on a regular basis and that I have a personal trainer to muscle my thighs.) No. You think again, Mr. Smith, not even you are gonna muss my lipstick tonight! Maybe, Jada, just maybe, you are image savvy and the sex-in-the-limo story amounts to nothing more than a great fantasy that leads us all to believe that you are really that much hotter than the rest of us.

[As an added note: Kimberly tried to find a picture of The Smiths at this year's Oscars. You know what? There weren't any! You know why? That's right. They were doing it. Damn you, Jada, you really are that much hotter than me.]

Ess. Ee. Exx.

I've been searching lately for blogs about sex. Mostly to cut through the crap and find the good stuff for you. But I'm always surprised that I don't find more blogs about sex that aren't about capital S-E-X in flashing neon. Like, can I not be into BDSM (that's bondage and dominance and sadness and mustache) and still be sexual? Can I not want a giant double-ended dildo as part of my accoutrements and still be into sexy time? It's like you have to really, really like sex so much you can't keep yourself from doin' it in Stacy*'s bathroom in order to blog about it. (You also need your avatar to contain your nipples. Just what I've noticed).

Even my mother (my mother) doesn't see what the big deal is. She doesn't understand why married couples aren't having sex. Until recently, she and my father had sex everyday. (Now that my dad is around 60, it's probably down to 4 times a week). But she just doesn't get why women and men would need help, or at least a place to commiserate. She doesn't get that while breastfeeding, walking around feeling like a cow, it's one less thing to do that could make one feel like livestock.

But she never breastfed us. (And to think, I could have been a contender...)

Shouldn't there be a place to read and comment about sex, as a married, and not feel ashamed of your sex life? I read an article recently, something like "tips for fellatio." And the second tip was "take it in the face." Second tip. I spend the day cleaning the house and doing the dishes and vacuuming, I have a built in receptacle for such things, yet I should participate in another act that requires clean-up? For reals? If you can do it and it makes you happy, that's fantastic! But that's not really advice. More like instructions.

I just want little tips to make the much needed intimate connection go more smoothly. And to be able to transition between SuperMom and SexGoddess. Like a new cape. Or shoes.

Wow. That was an extremely roundabout way to convince myself to get these.

Porn for Women?

To a lot of women, me (K*) included, porn is a pretty controversial subject. Is it bad for women? Empowering? I still don't have any answers, but I'm a lot closer to understanding it, i.e., not as bad as I once thought and maybe even watchable now. After all, I'm over 30 and more confident in my body and my relationship. But, now, how can I find what turns me on?

The internets are so full of porn that searching seems like shopping in infinity. And the sheer thought of heading behind the curtain in a video store reminds me True Porn Clerk Stories, a hilariously frightening blog. So instead we here at YG10M found some resources to help everyone find what tickles their fancies:

Good Vibrations
Good vibes shoots its own videos and categorizes them for you. You can find the ratings on the website and in the catalog. They also feature plenty of video on demand. And there's section called "New to Porn."

Jane’s Guide
One of the oldest and best adult review sites can be found here. Also featuring book and toy reviews. (NSFW).

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn
Violet Blue’s book is one of the first to take women’s porn interest seriously. Written for the absolute beginner, it’s also a useful handbook for those who have experimented quite a bit with porn but haven’t found much to satisfy them.

It's kind of exciting to think that now we can finally find something that is made by women for women. Because if I have to listen to one more "erotic" story, written by a man, with bad saxophone music in the background I'm going to freak out. Freak. Out.

Thanks Sexier Sex Lessons!

Top 10 Things to Do To Have Sex With Me Tonight

10. Instead of Facebook poker, try kitchen cleaning.

9. Take the kids to the park for an hour.
Tire them out.

8. Bring home dinner.
Doesn't have to be fancy.
Take and bake pizza, I don't care.

7. Pick up the bedroom.
It's hard to feel sexy while staring at your stinky socks.

6. Give me a sincere compliment.
Don't tell me I'm cute.

5. Bring me a cocktail and/or chocolate.
In a pretty glass. On a nice plate.

4. Get the kids bathed and tucked in.
Not one or the other. Both.

3. Rent a movie to watch with me. (And not that kind).
If we sense forethought, there may be foreplay.

2. Kiss my neck sans boner.
If I want one, I know how to get it.

1. Tell me I'm a great mother.

A Brand New You

I knew my lifestyle would change when I had kids. Hopefully, most of us figured that one out. As for my body, I figured I'd have stretch marks and bigger boobs but other than that my body would regain it's pre-pregnancy status once I lost the baby weight. It just goes to show that many of us have no idea what we're getting ourselves into.

Why did I think my boobs would be bigger? Wishful thinking, I guess. I was wrong. They're smaller. And I got the stretch marks I planned for. I also got separated abdominal muscles, a hernia, weakened hip joints, a C-section scar befitting two ten pound babies and all new hormone cocktails, just to name a few changes. The hernia and abdominal weaknesses led me to a wonderful physical therapist who helped me regain some strength and begin to rebuild a new body for me to carry around for the remainder. Just when I was feeling sorry for myself, she told me I should be glad I hadn't pushed out my oversized babies because then I could be looking at weakened pelvic floor muscles that could lead to things like incontinence and sagging or prolapsing organs...that means your bladder, anus or vagina could start to fall out! Oh, God! Why do you martyr the mothers so?

The worst part about all of this for me is that I only found my physical therapist because I knew someone who worked in her office. In our country, unlike many European nations, our medical professionals don't automatically discuss any of these possible post-partum issues with us. It would be oh, too easy for a new mom to think, "I guess this is just how I am now," while quietly suffering.

We at YG10M know how hard it is to get the sexy back in your marriage in the odd and frightening new world of motherhood but think how impossible it's going to be if you're equipment just isn't working right. So if your body or sex just aren't feeling right after the baby, get thee to a doctor or a physical therapist without delay. Muscle weaknesses can be corrected to a certain degree and strength maintained through physical therapy. You don't want to wait until you're shopping the adult diaper isle, you want to address it now. As Kimberly* said to me recently, "post-partum" is not just a couple of months, it's the rest of your life!

Maybe you've got Vulvar varicose veins, or a painful episiotomy scar. Maybe you can't wait as long before you have to pee anymore. Maybe you're feeling like things have shifted and there's a weight down there you didn't feel before. However pregnancy, labor and delivery took their toll on you, you are not the only one. And if you feel like everything has changed since you had kids, it's because it has! This is the brand new you, so get to know her and give her all the help she needs to feel good again.

And also? Do your kegels.

U + Ur Hand

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Small Actors, Big Parts

Role play has somehow been in the cards for me lately. I keep finding tips and articles and more recently a short story involving sexy costumes and naughty characters. Now, you'd think I'd be all up in its business being an actress and all. But I'm a little meh about it. Like, you're never gonna have to fight me for that Princess Leia outfit at the party store. Nor the sexy fill-in-the-blank.

But that doesn't mean I can't role play in my mind.

Intrigued?

I was reading a short story about a woman who put on a costume and pretended to be a prostitute and let her husband get anal with her. I'm not going there, it's not our anniversary, but part of the delight was that with the costume, she felt more like the character and felt sexier and was more willing to try new things.

So why not skip the costume and just play that hooker in your mind? No need to hit the wig shop. Instead of a catholic school girl, why not pretend you're a woman who gives the best head? Or maybe you're the woman who's completely in charge and takes control like a boss. Or even the sexy teacher showing her student the "Fibonacci sequence."

Confidence is half the battle in the bedroom. So mentally costuming can only add to the fun. It'll be easier to try that new position or toy if you're not in your head, but somebody else is...

Talkin' Sex

There's a line at the end of the latest Chris Rock HBO Special, Kill the Messenger. He says something about fellatio that would make Dr. Ruth blush and then says "Half the women in this audience think that's disgusting. The other half are in loving relationships."

I laughed so hard I peed a little! It's so true!

I have a friend who recently got engaged and she was talking about the love making being very loving. But she prefers something a little rougher. And was worried about telling her fiance.

If you view marriage as "'til death do you part," that's a long time to go without getting what you want. So talk to your partner. It can be embarrassing, but this person loves you and wants to make you happy. Maybe whisper it in his ear in the heat of the moment. Or there's always the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Which might not work for every sexual quirk, but could be fun! I have been known to take my husbands hands and place them where I want them. No words, just moving and he gets the picture.

Sex in loving relationships is a little like Vegas, what happens there, stays there. So be honest and don't deny yourself pleasure! Who knows? Your husband could want the same thing, but is afraid to tell you! And you could be missing out on mind blowing sex because of a little embarrassment.

Sexy Back

I have a good friend who was having trouble "getting back on the horse" after childbirth. She tried a few things, but couldn't seem to get back up there. Then, she bought a treadmill. She started walk/running at least 30 minutes a day. After a few days she said, "I think this may be my self-actualization sex readjustment tool."

Not everyone is going to respond to that particular "tool" the way my friend did. But there are other ways. Here's a woman who got a bikini wax shaped like a martini and got her sex life back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the same things don't work for everyone. Some women try exercise, some try vitamins, and some--like me--try Cape Cods.

Maybe trying a few new things could be the key to unlocking your sexy door. What's worked for you?

Sexy Etsy

Thanks to Jen*, I've been looking for lingerie lately. And when I look, I get discouraged because it looks either "bride-like" or "waif-like." I'm a bigger lady, size 12, and want something that will compliment my post-baby curves and not make me feel like a mildly sexy sausage.

My other issue is color. I love color. And most of the chemises and teddy's are black and white and red. Where are the teals and magentas? The olives and ceruleans?

While on my daily etsy visit, I decided to browse their lingerie. Which is no small feat, almost half of the search contained garters in every flavor imaginable. But I did find some super cute panties and bras and sets. Some of which are custom made!
Latisha Chemise by chicffonintimate. Ah, magenta! And made of super soft bamboo. Comes in sizes extra small to large.
ladramaqueen's Martini Olive Green Bra Set with High-Waisted Panty. So cute and vintage! Include your measurements when you order and the seller will help you with sizing. Mix and match sizes 0-20.

OnTheInside's Sweetspire Camisole. Super sexy, I included the "conservative" photo. Made in sizes extra small through extra large. You can convo with the seller for sizing help.

Sandmaiden bamboo and organic cotton onesie. Sounds deliciously soft and sexy. Also? Made to order! You pick the colors and provide measurements.

Banikki Bloomettes by Under The Root I love this! So very Moulin Rouge! Made to order with sizing and measuring information on the site. As well as a color chart.

This is just a sampling of my favorites. Other things I found on etsy? A metal corset, pasties, victorian corsets, applewood dildos, and a mug that reads, "I snatch kisses and vice versa." Long live handmade!


P.S. All items are around $60. Including sets!

Stay-at-Home-Flirt

I don't know about you, but when I was a fulltime worker back in the olden days, I worked in an  office full of mostly men. I was happily married (natch), but I enjoyed looking cute and acting cute and (I admit it) indulging in some innocent office flirtation. 

Now I'm a stay-at-home-mom who freelances from home. I rarely interact with men. When I'm out with the kids, men generally avoid any contact whatsoever. I've talked to my husband about this, and he says that when he sees a woman with kids, he tries to not even make eye contact because he wants to avoid even a hint of creepiness, of being too interested in either her or her kids. Makes sense I guess. The only other men I regularly see are my mom-friends' husbands. We might have conversations, joke around a little, but for some reason the relationship always seems slightly strained. Is it just me?

So I've been thinking about how the life of a SAHM means not getting much male attention, and what effect that can have on how sexy (or not) I feel. It really helps when I go out on my own (or with a girlfriend) with no kids. Suddenly, men check me out, make eye contact, open the door, even start a conversation with me. 

It's nice. It reminds me that I'm a woman, that I have some shred of desirability left to man-eyes. And I like to mention it to my husband, to make sure he knows I still got it. As Kimberly* pointed out to me, as Stay-at-Home-Flirts, we now have to get most of our sexy validation from our husbands alone. They'd better be up to the task. If we have to report back some mild flirting in order to hot things up at home, so be it.

Reasons to love lingerie (try it tonight!)

I think a lot of my mom-friends don't bother with lingerie. I've heard disparaging comments and seen rolling eyes when the topic is mentioned. I'm not sure I understand that...because I love lingerie. Let me count the reasons why.

Reason #1: Anything that makes us feel prettier/sexier...is a very good thing. I am a big believer in taking care of your physical self. Exercise, manicures, shaving or waxing the bikini area, etc etc. I also believe it extends to wearing clothes that fit your body and make you look good. Not just in the daytime when you're seeing your coworkers and friends and the guy at Starbucks who makes your latte just right. But also in the night when it's for your and your husband's eyes only. Wearing a stretched out t-shirt and sweat shorts may be comfy, but it ain't sexy. And to be honest, it's not even as cute as you think it is. A little nightgown or matching cami/panties would look a lot better on you.

Reason #2: It helps bridge the gap between MOM and SEXPOT. We talk all the time about getting in the mood at night after the kids are down. I can't think of anything that marks the divide better than changing into something provocative. Imagine that when the house is quiet and you're getting ready for bed...you take a few minutes to slip into something obviously sexy. Maybe spray on perfume and add some lipgloss. Then go say "hello handsome" to your husband. He won't be thinking "mother of my children" or "spender of my paycheck" or "the shrew who serves microwave dinners and complains." He'll be thinking...well, nothing. He'll be too busy unzipping and shoving you into the bedroom.

Reason #3: Even shopping for lingerie is sexy. Try it: shop online for lingerie with your husband. Ask him what he likes, then ask him for the credit card. Or if you steal some time to go shopping by yourself (don't do this with a kid in tow--it's depressing and weird, trust me), have fun trying on a bunch of different styles. You may be surprised to see how good lingerie looks on you, no matter what you think of your body (see #4).

Reason #4: Camouflage. You might think that because your post-baby body isn't perfect, you shouldn't try to dress sexy. You are so, so wrong. The beauty of lingerie is that it can strategically cover up the parts you aren't so happy with...even during sex! A crotchless teddy can be kept on the entire time, keeping your bulging belly under wraps (and even keeping your breasts covered up, which some breastfeeding women may prefer). A silk chemise shows off your cleavage while concealing your chub at the waistline or hips. And have you tried the new boyshorts style of panties that seem to have cropped up everywhere? They are very flattering to a lot of body types. Add a matching cami and you're one hot mama.

Reason #5: It mixes things up. It's hard to stay excited about a sex life when you've been married X number of years and have birthed X number of children. Any simple little things we can do to keep it fresh, shake up the routine, and help us think sexier are important. Putting on lingerie is an easy thing all of us can do. So...do it.

What's so great about sex after kids?

The other day, during one of our infamous playdates, I asked Kimberly* if there's anything about sex that's better after having kids. 

We stared at each other in dumb silence for a minute while the children swirled about our feet.

Then, finally, we managed to come up with a few things. Tell us if you agree, or if you have any ideas of your own.

Our Bodies, Our Sex Lives

There's nothing like going through pregnancy and childbirth together to help a man get to know his lady's ladyparts. After observing my vaginal births, my husband has literally seen aspects of myself that I never have, and never want to. I remember during one of my deliveries the nurse offered to hold a mirror down there so I could see the baby's head crowning. I told her "NO WAY." I didn't want that particular image burned into my memory for all of future sexy time. 

But luckily, the horrors don't seem to have affected my husband's attraction for my nether regions. I figure if he's seen all that, and now sees my poochy belly, stretch marks, etc....and still wants me...that's kinda awesome. And sexy. And even though I sometimes feel bad about how I look, the fact that this man has seen so much and is still by my side, wanting to be with me and make me feel good, gives me a weird sort of confidence in my body that I don't think I ever had before kids.

Nothing Is Sacred Anymore

I don't care how frank you were talking sex with girlfriends before kids, there is nothing like the intimacy of talking bodies with fellow moms. Get two baby-toting mamas in the same room, and before they know each other's last names they'll know about each other's hemorrhoids, episiotomies and cracked nipples. At a recent playgroup, complaints about our bodies turned into show-and-tell as one mom lifted her shirt to show her muffin top, another displayed weird veins and fat knees, and another actually flashed her boobs to show that, really, however they looked in her clothes was totally due to a good quality bra.

We tell our war stories and show our scars like any battle veterans. When the conversation turns to sex, the confessions, confusions and frustrations start pouring out. I remember at a playgroup I was in years ago, when all the babies were approaching their first birthdays, one mom confessed she and her husband hadn't had sex yet--it had been literally more than a year since they'd done it. Another mom said that she was putting out three times a week despite her exhaustion, in an effort to keep her demanding husband satisfied. Another mom said she loved having sex more than ever, that she appreciated the pleasure and mental escape it offered.

Different attitudes, different stories...but a common purpose: By talking about sex more frankly than ever before, we can all learn how to make it better. Or at least how to get it started again.

Seize the Moment

Anything that is rare or hard to achieve becomes more precious. Much as we'd like to advocate that all our mama-readers get their sexy on multiple times a week, we've got to be realistic and admit that for most busy/tired moms, if you're doing it more than once a month, you're in pretty damn good shape. 

Hence the importance (and deliciousness) of seizing the moment, any good sexy moment, that comes along. Whenever you have an ounce of energy left at night, or you find yourselves tipsy after a party, or you wake up early before the sun and the kids are up...seize that moment in the name of sex. You'll never regret stealing 10 minutes for sex with your husband. But you might regret looking back and realizing how many opportunities you let slip by.