Sex Tips from Real Moms

Forget crazy positions. How about some fun, cheap, easy, doable tips for us real women who just want to shake things up a little bit?

1. Clean your room! How many times have you said this to your kids? Removing clutter and kid paraphernalia will give you more of an oasis at the end of a long day.

2. Try getting your sexy back with a new playlist for the bedroom. Music really can soothe the savage beast, or, if you want, let it out!

3. Use a lubricant. There are so many new options available. You can tingle, warm or taste like cherries. It's a smorgasbord of slippery!

4. Try a nice, hot shower with him. It's been a while since my showers were anything but utilitarian. Taking time to touch and wash each other will be a break from the routine and perhaps lead to a more sensual experience.

5. Watch something sexy on TV together. Not everyone feels sexy after watching Sportscenter, so change the channel and see if there's something that turns you both on. Lost, The Tudors, True Blood, The L Word, all good starts.

6. Chew a few Altoids before oral sex. Simple trick = delight for him. And maybe a willingness to try other new things...

7. Bring your laptop to bed. Click around and check out some titillating photos or videos. Discuss. You may learn something new about him.

8. Try out a sex toy. Use a small vibrator on yourself, or let your husband hold it. (This is especially delightful if your husband is behind you).

9. Sexcation. Maybe not "cheap," but so worth it!

Only a couple of these require any forethought on your part, so you have no excuse not to try one tonight!

Sexy songs

Kimberly* and I are blogging live and in person from a playdate. Our kids are running around in princess dresses, eating popcorn and playing in the backyard while we talk about es-ee-ex in codewords. 

We've been listening to iTunes and putting together what we think is a pretty damn sexy song list for romantic evenings in the bedroom (or wherever). I think I'll tell my husband that a great Mother's Day or anniversary gift would be some sort of clock radio thingie that I can plug the iPod into. Add champagne and my new song list, and presto! Sexy night achieved.

Here's our list. Anyone got any suggestions to add to it?

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

Little Red Corvette by Prince

Crush by Dave Matthews Band

Every Breath You Take by the Police

I Drove All Night by Cyndi Lauper

I Can't Help Falling in Love by UB40

1, 2, 3, 4 by Plain White T's

Pepper by Butthole Surfers

Crazy for You by Madonna

Holding Out for a Hero by Frou Frou

The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars

P.D.A. by John Legend

Human by The Killers

Come Undone by Duran Duran

What Goes Around by Justin Timberlake

For that other sex organ.

The last post featured ways to get in the mood. My favorite way, reading, is so subjective, it's hard to name the book that will do it for you. But I can try. I've learned a lot in my foray into romance, like I really need it to be set in another place or time. Any reminder of kids or pop culture and I'm out. And that even in a bodice ripper, I still need good writing and people to behave in realistic ways. I get really tired of "webs of secrets."

Once you find a book you like, you can go to amazon or Shelfari or goodreads and look for people who liked it and see what else they've liked. I've even made a friend on Shelfari because her reviews were so stunning. And we had similar taste in heroines, no wallflowers for me, thank you.

I've decided to include the best of my bunch. I counted, forty one books since January, and I can't possibly review them all. And just so we're clear...romance novel titles almost never have to do with the storyline. Some of the best books I've read have not only a ridiculous title, but the covers are horrendous. Which is why I love my iPod.

Links are to amazon, because they carry both books and ebooks, but I use ereader.com.

Scottish Rogues:
A Highlander Never Surrenders by Paula Quinn (A woman who wears pants. Pants!)
If You Dare by Kresley Cole (Florence Nightingale syndrome.)
Highlander Unchained by Monica McCarty (Okay. She gets kidnapped. But maybe that's fun?)

Vampires/Supernatural:
The Southern Vampire Series by Charlaine Harris (The books the series True Blood is based on)
Kiss of a Demon King by Kresley Cole (I've read sections of this one more than once and I'm not even into vampire books. Or maybe I am...)

Regency:
After the Abduction by Sabrina Jeffries (Hilarious mistaken identity.)
The Spymaster's Lady by Joanna Bourne (A female spy? Awesome.)
The Perils of Pleasure by Julie Anne Long (One of my favorites.)
The Runaway Duke by Julie Anne Long (I'm a sucker for women who know what they want.)
If His Kiss is Wicked by Jo Goodman (Very dark. But well written.)

Pirates:
The Price of Pleasure by Kresley Cole (This heroine knows what she wants from the start.)
What a Pirate Desires by Michelle Beattie

This reminds me of the episode of Friends where Joey finds Rachel's book featuring a sexy vicar and the farmers daughter and says, "You got Porn!" So, there you go, I hope you enjoy the mind porn!

And...thanks for the idea, Jen*.

More Ways to Get in the Mood

One of the biggest problems I've had after a day with the kids is getting in the mood. After the tantrums and fighting and the smelling like poop, I really don't want to think about sex. (I mean, I'm writing this between requests for "snack?" and "shoe?") Nor do I want to worry about how to tear my husband away from facebook poker.

My sister found this article from Shine, 3 Unorthodox Ways to Get in the Mood. I'm not really sure about "Fake a Foreign Accent," but "Watch Prime-time Porn? Sure. "Get Tipsy?" Yes, please!

As far as sexy TV, the article mentions Lost and The Tudors, but I've heard The L Word and True Blood are also good. If we delve into movies, Daniel Craig as James Bond is not hard to watch, and anything with Clive Owen should be on the list.

Booze is kind of a no brainer. I used to worry that my husband might take offense if I have to drink in order to have sex with him. But a friend pointed out that most likely, they don't care, as long as they're gettin' some. And she's right. My husband will buy me wine, even though he's not a drinker.

Another mood enhancer for me is reading a sexy book. Sometimes a trashy romance is just what I need. I believe it has something to do with getting my brain in on the action. One of our problems as women, is shutting off the super computer that is our brain. With reading, I can just refocus it on something more fun. As far as writers of the romances* go, I can recommend Kresley Cole, she writes in a few genres. (And if you have an iPod, no one has to know what you're reading).

Music can also help. If you can shut the door to your bedroom and put on some music, that can help transform "the mom" into "the sex goddess." I'm sure we all have music that we adore, figure Magazine has a pretty good list to get you started.

And if all else fails, hand him one of these.



*If you want more recommendations, email me. I've read,...a few.

Better than Sex?

Today is my fifth wedding anniversary! (Yay! We're halfway there!) And this morning my husband surprised me with breakfast in bed. He made me the 65 degree egg from The Splendid Table's How to Eat Supper Cookbook. Delicious!

It got me thinking about other foods that are better than sex. Here's my list:

Peanut Butter Cup Brownies from Nosh and Tell
Sticky Toffee Pudding from Don't Forget Delicious!
Artichokes by umamigirl
Eggs Benedict with Lobster from CheesePlusEverything
Cheesecake Squares from picky cook
Chili Dogs* at chilidog.org


What're yours?


*I asked my husband what my favorite food was. This was his immediate response. He was right.

Rabbi Shmuley

I love Rabbi Shmuley. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he talks about marriage and sex and doesn't lower his voice as though it's a dirty thing we do. Maybe it's the beard.

A good friend mentioned that a topic worth visiting would be sex and religion. And my first thought was Shmuley. So I perused his website and found a great article he wrote about his most recent book The Kosher Sutra: 8 Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Your Desire and Restoring Your Passion for Life. He talks about the immediacy of our culture and how we quash our desire and lust with pills and porn. And that we don't need to change ourselves physically to increase desire. Which is a relief after looking at sites full of fancy underwear that will make me feel like a sausage and diets that claim they can accelerate my sex drive with sardines.

Here's a quote from a Q&A about the book:
If women are such sexual beings, why are so many marriages lacking in sex? Because too many husbands kill off their wives’ libidos by failing to focus on them, and too many wives allow their sexuality to atrophy by treating themselves as ordinary.

I just love that!

While I don't think that everything he says works for me, I don't exactly have the time for tantric sex, I enjoy reading what he has to say. And I can feel how much he loves and respects women with every word. It's also kind of a relief to read that maybe it's the world around me that's killing my libido and not me.



P.S. His books must be good, I checked my local library, and three copies were "missing."

Think Your Way Sexy!

I remember having a conversation with a friend about the narcissism of sex. We were discussing sex being better when we look sexy. Or think we look sexy. That's why wine works such wonders, we all feel sexier after a glass. It never mattered what my husband looked like, if I looked good, I had a better time of it.

After a baby I no longer looked, nor felt, sexy. I felt like a cow, udders and all. And this negative self image did nothing to help my sex life. I was there, but not really engaging in the act.

Debbie Herbenick, of mysexprofessor.com, wrote* recently about a University of Washington study showing that women who listened to positive thoughts about their sexuality were more easily aroused by sexual imagery. Or, if you think sexy thoughts, you have a sexier time. She says that we need to listen to what goes through our head during sex and, if necessary, turn it around and make it positive.

So no more laying back and thinking of England. Have a glass of wine, remember that you are an incredibly sexy, love goddess and get it on!

*Her Blog on Psychologytoday.com

Green your intercourse!

I was stumbling around the internets and I found this: Holistic Wisdom: Excellence in Sexual Empowerment. Or green sex! Sex toys for the environmentally conscious! How fun is that?! Now I can do it and save the snow leopards! While also saving my vagina from phthalates and parabens.
HW also has tons of sexual health articles, a sex dictionary, and even erotic stories and jokes.
The toys are divided into multiple categories: body part, style or material. And there is a section about caring for your sex toys.

I clicked through a couple of the instructional articles and my,...they are in depth. (And while the genatalia is blocked, some of the close-ups are not, but presented very medically). If you're feeling brave, click around. There is so much information and a great "Getting Started" feature that allows you to click to what you're looking for without getting stuck somewhere uncomfortable.



P.S. I am having way too much fun finding photos.

Sexcation

I keep reading that "staycations" are all the rage. I think that's where you stay at home but do tourist-y things in your own town, as a way to save money on traveling. Or something.

But I think a much more important phenomenon (and one worth investing real money in) is the sexcation. This is a getaway for husband and wife without the kids. We tell our relatives, babysitters and friends that it's to relax and reconnect, but the subtext is always the same: HOTEL SEX.

I've done a few weekends away with the husband since we started procreating. They are wonderful little oases of bliss, and yes, the hotel sex has been gooood.

But. You knew there'd be a but. BUT--the problem I've found is that just one or two nights away (which is all we've managed) is. Not. Nearly. Enough. For one thing, the time rushes by too quickly. For another, it's hard to really relax when you know you're going back home to the monsters the next day. And for yet another, it can also be hard to have mind blowing sex when there's all this pressure because you only got that hotel room for 24 or 48 hours.

That's why I think I need an entire WEEK away. A friend of mine who has three kids recently did a whole week in Hawaii with her husband. She said the moment they arrived they drank mai tais and then literally passed out on lounge chairs and slept the rest of the day. They needed that entire first day just to decompress! But by day three of the trip, they stopped worrying about the kids and trading cute stories of what the littlest one had done lately...and really connected with each other and got down to the good stuff.

Sadly, for many of us an entire week away is a pipe dream, whether for financial or babysitting logistics reasons. But if you're like another friend of mine, who has two kids and has never done even a single night away with her husband...then I say, find the money and DO IT. Find a cheap hotel somewhere, get a relative to watch the kids, and GO. It may not be ideal, but even one night of hotel sex is worth the effort.

Sex Tips?

Cosmopolitan.com has a really great section called "Sex Tips From Guys: Their all-time favorite mattress moves revealed." And it is the best! If you can make it through all of them, you get some good, some funny and a bunch ridiculous. And it all depends on you.
And the accompanying photos? Cheese-tastic!

Examples:

"Watching a woman do Yoga is the hottest foreplay you could have without touching each other."

Hmmm,...I've also heard that watching women watch your husband do yoga is a turn on as well.

"Climb into my bed looking innocent, then do extremely dirty deeds. A girl who looks virginal but is really a sex kitten is every man's dream."

Yes. Except when you're trying to have sex without waking the kids. It's hard to act virginal with a c-section scar.

"Brush your teeth with minty toothpaste before going down on me. It'll be extra shivery."

I've got nothing to add. Good dental hygiene is important.

Okay. My impressions on the whole list? It seems to be sexy to be virginal and withhold vagina. There were a bunch of touch-me-like-it's-the-first-time and pin-my-legs-down and make-me-force-your-legs-open. I'm gonna go with evolution on this one. I believe the Cosmo editors screened their "guys." But it's a little creepy when read at one sitting.

I found the hidden erogenous zones interesting and worth a try next time. And it was nice to see that none of them included watching porn or using toys. Not that there's anything wrong with them, it's just cool to see what turns people on about their partner, with no outside tools.

Otherwise? Just a good time. They are clearly sans kids. And stretchmarks.

Not tonight honey,...

Reasons not to have sex tonight:

I'm too tired.
I have a headache.
I'm too stressed out.

Well, guess what ladies. Sex helps solve all those problems. Sex releases oxytocin and endorphins, relieving pain and helping us sleep. It can also halve your husband's risk of heart attack and stroke.* And his risk of prostate cancer goes down the more he ejaculates.** (He doesn't get to die and leave me alone with two kids. Not if I can help it).

If you hate to exercise, like me? It can replace the treadmill, (163 calories for every 30 minutes), and benefit your cardiovascular health.*** And tighten your butt and give you pilates abs.

So what are we waiting for? Probably to be having it already.


*According to a study by Queens University, Belfast
**New Scientist
***Women to Women

This was just funny.

Delicious.

I was never in to oral sex. There. I said it. Not my favorite thing to do with my spare time. I'm pretty cool with not tasting semen. But I wanted to make my husband happy. And that man waited a long time after babies until I was ready.

So, how do you do it, if it's not your favorite thing? I pretended it was. Seriously. Worked like a charm. It actually became more enjoyable for me which made it more enjoyable for him.
Dr. Debby Herbenick of mysexprofessor.com writes about making oral sex better. Tip #1, "Decide that you like it." Exactly!

If it helps me get through my workouts, why not oral sex?

Public service announcement

The other night, the husband and I had the brilliant idea that we should feed the kids dinner early, move them along the path of pajamas and bedtime, and get them all down before 8 pm, upon which time we would enjoy some Tivo'd shows and a grown-up dinner with wine...to be followed by some SEX.

Everything was going beautifully until about 9 pm when, tipsy on pinot noir and inspired by something we'd just seen on TV, I asked what I thought was an innocent question about one of the kids. Before I knew it we were deep into a parenting discussion that, fueled by wine-loosened lips, quickly escalated into something ugly. Finally I realized there was no way in hell I was going to sleep with that man that night, so I set down my wine glass (wish I could have slammed it, but it's really nice crystal from the wedding) and stormed off to bed.

What a waste.

The moral of the story is, when you're setting up a romantic evening and getting your buzz on, for orgasm's sake, don't bring up any thorny issues or let yourself get dragged into a "discussion." 

Maybe we should have been watching porn instead.

Pocket Rockets: You know, for kids!

I know this isn't the I heart Oprah blog, but I couldn't help but laugh at today's episode. Dr. Berman was discussing her platform of "Vibrators for all!" to which a chagrined Oprah jokingly replied, "They're under your chairs! You get a vibrator, and you get one!"

The discussion was regarding how young is too young for a vibrator and Dr. Berman suggested these for girls 15 and up. Stating that since most women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, it's up to us to help ourselves along.

Bookshelf

Wetlands, the new book by Charlotte Roche, is causing quite a ruckus. It is very anti-feminine hygiene. And pro descriptions of anal leakage surgery. It was, at one time last year, the number one book in the world. And it's grossness caused people to faint at readings. Jezebel has a review, but do not read over breakfast or if you have a weak stomach.

The protagonist does anything and everything to rebel against cleanliness of any kind. Everywhere. There's something to be said about not always having to smell like a flower. But I kind of like my little fruit sprays and stuff. I mean, I'm not crazy, I don't douche or anything, but my little American-OCD-clean thing generally keeps me from smelling my own sweat.

Many Happy Returns

A mom friend of mine recently told me that she wouldn't necessarily end her marriage if her husband cheated on her just once. I can certainly see that. Before, it would have been the last straw, the ultimate deal-breaker. But now? Ugh! We have kids that love him almost as much as they love me. We have income that I need almost as much as I need him. Breaking it off now would be a much messier affair that it would have been in our childless days.

I also recently heard a man on a morning radio show talk about his wife giving him permission to go out and get a massage with a "happy ending." He was mired in the process of trying to figure out how to go about ordering such a thing, since it cannot be legally offered on the menu. Most people said you've got to start yourself off and the masseuse will take up the slack, so to speak, if it's that kind of joint. My husband agreed with me; that's more than a little gross.

But I did ask myself what if I outsourced that part of my marriage? I mean, here I am admitting that some rules have changed. My husband MIGHT be able to slide on a one-night stand these days. While we will NOT let him know that, it's time for me to accept that this is a whole new era.

So, happy endings. What's in it for me? Well, I pull less boner duty, for one. That's a plus. The massage parlor seems a little clinical. I think he's less likely to fall in love with the happy ending girl (who I somehow assume won't speak english) than the twenty-something stripper-with-a-sob-story who only leads him on every time he visits. And he gets a little "me time". Is it so wrong, really? I send him to the chiropractor when his vertebra are bunched up. Is his lower joint really so different? Maybe then when I get my period instead of saying, "Oh. Can I get a BJ, then?" he'll say, "Oh, honey, let me make you some tea and rub your back and don't you worry about my erection. I'll just schedule something with Pyong Lee."

Yes, it's a new era and I'm willing to consider new solutions but I don't think I'm ready to throw out all my old rules just yet. The first time he asks me to do it like Pyong Lee does, there's going to be hell to pay. No, for now I guess I'll just do the difficult thing: keep working on my marriage. But I'll save Pyong Lee's number in case we hit a rough patch.