"This house is not conducive to lovemaking."

An amazing friend of mine and mother of three, was heading out of town for the summer. A good friend of her husband's, a young, handsome Frenchman, was going to house-sit for them. He stopped by for the grand tour and upon opening the door and being presented with said handsome Frenchman and his delicious scent she instantly realized she was make-up less and wearing not so flattering clothing. As she led him through the house, showing him the kitchen, the living room, and the guest room, suddenly every toy in sight closed in on her making her feel as though her gorgeous art deco home was now a glaring showcase for primary colored toys. Seeing her home through the eyes of the sexy Frenchman she thought, "This house is not conducive to lovemaking!"

It's so easy to get used to the toys and the clutter and the dog hair. And when I'm cleaning all day long, it doesn't even occur to me to sex up my bedroom for later. So I went searching for some easy ways to make your bedroom a sex den. And I'm compiled a list I've culled from all over, some great, some ridiculous, with comments:

1. Paint your walls orange. (Or some sexy color).

Orange is apparently very sexy and subconsciously does something fancy to ones loins. And red makes you hungry and yellow makes babies cry. Paint with caution.

2. Remove your TV.

TV is not gonna help you get it on. (Before 10pm, anyway). It reminds me of a friend who had a Pavlovian response to the theme from Sportscenter. And yet, the TV stays.

3. Install a bidet.

I think we can agree on how ridiculous this is.

4. Low Lighting, candles, etc...

I cannot recommend this enough. Drag Queen's use low lighting to hide their flaws and we can too. Installing a dimmer switch in your bedroom takes, like, twenty minutes and costs $7. I also have one in my bathroom.

5. Clean up and declutter.

I informally polled some dudes* and they said that a messy room isn't always a deal breaker, but, yeah, they prefer clean rooms. And if we are trying to rekindle what we had when we were dating, (or before kids), then we need to think like that hot 22 year old who picked up her room before going out "just in case."

6. Install a mirror. Or sexy pictures. Or both.

The mirror thing I'm iffy on. Feng Shui doesn't want the chi bouncing around all night, and I live in earthquake country.
And sexy pictures? Of who? Other people? Like I want to look at hot skinny ladies with nice boobs.
Of me? Not so much...

7. Music

Sure. Maybe assemble an iPod playlist for sexy time. That could be fun.

8. Food. e.g. strawberries, whipped cream, chocolate, wine...

Who's gonna clean that up?

9. Luxurious bedding and scented sheets.

I guess that depends on how luxurious you are. You could just buy new fitted and flat sheets and keep everything else the same. No need to spring for an ensemble. My husband relishes "Clean Sheet Day, " which is a lot cheaper.

And scented sheets? That sounds lovely. It could be a favorite perfume or in my case Demeter's Angel Food Cake would work nicely. That combines 8 and 9 without the mess.

10. Keep the kids out.

This one is hard for me. But if I pick my bedroom up and change the sheets, the last thing I want is Cheetos fingers smeared on my fresh bedding. And when revealed at bedtime, it may feel a little bit more like an oasis.


*Seriously. Dudes.