8 Reasons You're Not Having Enough Sex

Bettina Arndt, a sexologist in Britain, asked 98 couples to keep diaries about their sex lives. She then published these findings in a book entitled The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. "[She] uncovers the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere - the creeping hand and feigning of sleep, the staying up late in the hope that he will doze off." Well, that sold me...

The Frisky recently published the Cliff's Notes version of the book with 8 Reasons You're Not Having Enough Sex. Let's look at them, shall we, and see what we can do about it:

1. Rejection

Okay, that one hurts. But it's probably not entirely personal. As usual it's about them and what they want. And they want to sleep. One of the ways to combat this would be sex scheduling. Not my favorite thing, but you wouldn't get that knife to the gut feeling whenever you got the cold shoulder.

2. S/he doesn't want me anymore

May all be in your head. I have the stomach of a gal who had 2 c-sections and my husband still loves my body. But I don't. So most of the negativity I feel comes from me. And that little voice inside that says I can look like Heidi Klum if I just treadmilled it more often.

3. S/he doesn't take out the trash

Yeah. That sucks. Trash stinks. But how 'bout asking instead of expecting them to do something and then being disappointed that they don't. That old bitch "communication" is back and she'd like to be used.

4. Tired of failing sexual expectations

My husband says "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." I don't know who originally said that, I hope it wasn't Dr. Phil or something. But we're back to communication again. Not exactly the most pleasing conversation to have, but necessary. If it's not going well, TALK ABOUT IT! Maybe you both like being spanked, but would never know because you're just pouting after sex about how it wasn't rough enough.

5. Women's libidos just aren't as strong as men's

Just. Not. True. Why do you think Viagra was invented? We happen to have cycles, though. Which means sometimes we're on fire and sometimes we'd rather sleep. But don't fall back on that old chestnut. Believe what your body tells you.

6. Women don't want sex until someone touches them

I think we need t-shirts for bed that read, "Sometimes I just want to snuggle." It would be nice to touch and hold each other without it ending in sex. And also, when you do want it to end in sex some kind of signal would be good. Maybe the t-shirt has "Let's do it," printed on the back and you need only turn around. And also? Sometimes a glass or two of wine can put me in the mood for sex, touching not necessary.

7. Disappointed by how life turned out

I don't know what to say about this one. Except maybe get off your ass and start living. It's not gonna change if you avoid sex and pout about your double-wide.

8. S/he constantly pesters me for sex

Another time when scheduling sex can help. How much is necessary? Communication again. Talk this one out. It simultaneouly sucks and blows to be on either end of this one. But a quick conversation can help everyone get what they want. And the scheduling doesn't have to be so specific. Maybe one Sunday you try for three times.

Clearly, I'm not an expert. But I'm pretty good at calling bullshit. I'm also guilty of a bunch of these myself. If you're in your marriage 'til death you do part, communication seems to be the key to getting there. Not getting to death. Geez. That's creepy. Just keeping your marriage and intimate life going until you're at your 75th wedding anniversary and all the kids and grandkids get grossed out when you tell everyone you still do it.

How Not to Ruin Date Night

Gone on any date nights lately? Chances are, you're doing it all wrong.

I've been conducting an informal poll of my friends and have discovered that their date nights are not ending in sex nearly enough, and it's because they're making easily avoidable mistakes.

Dressing Like a Slob

One friend, let's call her B, told me that she got a babysitter at the last minute and went out for a fast food dinner and movie with her boyfriend. I asked her what she wore, and she shrugged and said "Shorts and a stained shirt." Seriously? I don't care if you're going out at the last minute, you still have enough time to put on tight jeans, a clean shirt and lipstick. Make yourself look good for your man--and insist he do the same. A little sexy underwear underneath isn't a bad idea either.

Eating Like a Pig

Cheeseburger with everything? All you can eat pasta? Double desserts? I understand you're excited to go out to eat without the kids, but you're not doing your figure or your sex life any favors when you order a feast. You know what happens when you eat a big heavy meal? You go home and go to bed with Tums. Instead, keep it light with sushi or a salad, and order dessert to go. It will taste better when it's the final course of the entire evening.

Being a Sloppy Drunk

This is a classic mistake, and I'm certainly guilty of it. If you drink a bottle of wine at dinner and come home hours later, your buzz will be gone and you may have a head or tummy ache. Instead, don't drink during the date (or minimize it), and wait till you get home to knock back a couple. Then you can take immediate advantage of your enhanced mood.

Seeing a Movie. Again.

My friend C told me that they go out twice a month, and all they ever do is see a movie (and often have popcorn for dinner). Nothing wrong with movies--especially if it's a sexy one. But something unique might put you in a more romantic mood. Plan ahead for an evening at the theater, a jazz club, or anything else that sounds different and fun. The new experience will give you more to talk about and set the stage for a deeper connection.

Ruining the Conversation

My friend J actually got it right--she and her husband have a rule to not talk about the kids on date night. And our very own Stacy has said she likes to read the newspaper before a date so she's armed with topics of conversation. Don't forget the lesson I learned about avoiding controversial subjects. Instead, compliment each other, reminisce about your romantic beginnings, maybe even try a little dirty talk.

Just Remember This

If all these rules are making you tired, just remember this: Treat the entire date night as foreplay. Make your time together be a tantric build-up to the hot sex you both deserve when you get back home.

Vibe of the Week: Iconic Ring

Inspired by Jen*'s post about introducing a vibrator into your sexual curriculum, I decided this week to feature a couples vibrator, thereby making it much easier.

Recommended Use: Use alone or with a partner. Or just wear it to a "cocktail" party.

Pros:

• Water resistant, shower friendly
• Phthalate-free, latex-free
• Dual vibration modes including pressure sensitive and constant vibration
• Replaceable batteries
• Quiet

Cons:

• Can slip around
• Short battery life
• Lacks power

Cost?
$35

Where can I get one?
JIMMYJANE
drugstore.com

Keeping Up With the Smiths

I make a general assumption that people visiting my house will not be having sex during their visit. Unless it's a couple staying in the guest bedroom for a few days. But a party? A barbeque? No, I figure if you get to feeling randy at my place, that's great! It will give you something to do when you get home.

But maybe I'm way off base. You see it in movies all the time. The hungry, stilettoed lady catches a glimpse of her slick, long-haired mate across the room and the next thing you know they're pounding it out in the bathroom. But that's just Hollywood, isn't it? Real people wouldn't risk flinging all that DNA around a friend's, or even a stranger's home, would they?

Recently, Jada Pinkett Smith talked about her and hubby Will doing just that at parties and even in the limo on the way to the Oscars. (Was that their personal limo? If not, who used it next?) It makes me wonder if I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to get freaky with my husband. I sort of considered it just a common courtesy to control myself. However, discretion and self-control don't come up in a lot of conversations about hot marriages. Maybe I need to be a bit more adventurous...but I'm still suspicious.

Really, Jada? You had sex on the way to the Oscars? I don't care how down to earth you are, your life has to be all about "the image" and controlling what you want and what you do not want said about you, your marriage and your family. And, the OSCARS? It's only the one place and time when any celebrity is the most diligently scrutinized. Really, Jada? I'm sorry, if Will Smith was making eyes at me I would hold him off with my muscled thighs and stiletto heels (this is assuming, of course, that I am used to tapping that on a regular basis and that I have a personal trainer to muscle my thighs.) No. You think again, Mr. Smith, not even you are gonna muss my lipstick tonight! Maybe, Jada, just maybe, you are image savvy and the sex-in-the-limo story amounts to nothing more than a great fantasy that leads us all to believe that you are really that much hotter than the rest of us.

[As an added note: Kimberly tried to find a picture of The Smiths at this year's Oscars. You know what? There weren't any! You know why? That's right. They were doing it. Damn you, Jada, you really are that much hotter than me.]

Get Your Bzzz On

Want to have better sex?

Want to make things a little more interesting?

Want to guarantee YOU get an orgasm too?

Then step right up, ladies, and learn how to introduce a vibrator into your relationship. This article has great advice on how to get one into bed with you and your man.

Of course, you can always try my method:

1. Have a couple of drinks.

2. Say "look what I bought."

3. Turn it on.

Kinky Night In: On a Budget

The Frisky had an interesting article recently, Everything You Need For A Kinky Night In. We at YG10M love a shopping trip, but after I added up all of their S&M goodies, the $995 pricetag gave me a jolt. And not the good kind. So I headed off to my local 99 Cents Only store to see what I could find to kinkify your boudoir.

The one thing I knew they would have were the cosmetics. Red nail polish and red lip gloss. Simple, quick changes that can work wonders. Especially a glossy, red mouth!

My next item proved a bit harder. A black push-up bra. Their version was sexy and lacy, and $41, ours is more "sexy girlfriend." A cotton lace-edged tank with a sheer red thong. Which can totally work. Especially for $2.

Riding crop? For reals? Here's what I found for $1:

I know. Not the best. But slightly padded with rubber with a gorgeous rainbow wood stained handle. It's S&M-ie,...no? Well, it gets worse. This one involves crafting skills:

I thought maybe a little hot glue, a bit of leather...smack! Pleasure abounds! Okay, I'm reaching...

For our next accoutrement of pleasure, The Frisky mentions a nice silk rope as a restraint. I love a multi-tasker, and sparkles, so I give you:

After that, and this weird policy the 99 cent store had of setting the air conditioner at 99 degrees, I hightailed it to Target, (my first love), to fill in the rest. Just to recap so far:

The Frisky: $91

YG10M: $7

Now, Target was slightly more complicated, I had left the tougher items for them to fill in. We still need Christian Louboutins, a corset, a blindfold and handcuffs. Not exactly my everyday shopping list. I knew the beauty section would have some kind of face mask and it did not disappoint. This little guy was around $5:

The Louboutins could be thought of as impossible to find, but not with my pioneer spirit! And my deep, dark memory. I read somewhere that Martha Stewart has her assistant black sharpie the bottom of her red soled Louboutins. Inspiration! Black patent heels, on sale for $17.84. Sharpies:$5. Feeling sexy in your own shoes: Priceless.

After my coup with the shoes, I was nearly bubbling over with inspiration. And since I felt my riding crops were sort of,...ridiculous...I was happy to keep looking in the one place I knew I could find something. A place where sex toys and pet toys collide. And? It jingles!

Okay. So I would probably remove the bell. I don't want any Pavlovian reactions come Christmas time.

And last but not least, the corset. That one really got me. The only corset-esque item was a black girdle in the shapewear section. The kind that when shifted, rolls, exposing flesier-flesh than if you were naked. Yuck. So, I went with what I found at the 99 Cents Only store...wait for it...

Okay, so not exactly sexy. But confining, won't roll up on you. Could double as a restraint. Unisex color. (Although not exactly racially sensitive). It could work. What do you want for 99 cents?!

Sorry. Ahem...

That leaves us spending a grand total of $33 which is a savings of $962. That's the same as three cups of coffee a day! And now you get to feel sexy, have some fun and still afford college for your little guys.


*I know, I know, I forgot the handcuffs. Use the scarf!

Vibe of the Week: SaSi

The SaSi is less a vibe and more a "sensual experience." More like a partner. A tiny massage head moves under a thin sheet of silicone, which you control, and the Sasi remembers. Sounds like voodoo!

Recommended Use:
Use alone, and take your time. You control the motion with buttons that "skip" or "don't stop." Seems more like a replacement than something you use with a partner.

Pros:

• Small and quiet
• Fits in hand with easy to control buttons
• Water resistant silicone cover
• Slow, erotic, feels like oral
• Rechargeable with base
  

Cons:

• May not fit every woman
• Buttons too close together, hard to use
• Undulating head too small
• Not powerful enough
• Takes too long
• Expensive!
  

Cost:
On sale for $148!

Ess. Ee. Exx.

I've been searching lately for blogs about sex. Mostly to cut through the crap and find the good stuff for you. But I'm always surprised that I don't find more blogs about sex that aren't about capital S-E-X in flashing neon. Like, can I not be into BDSM (that's bondage and dominance and sadness and mustache) and still be sexual? Can I not want a giant double-ended dildo as part of my accoutrements and still be into sexy time? It's like you have to really, really like sex so much you can't keep yourself from doin' it in Stacy*'s bathroom in order to blog about it. (You also need your avatar to contain your nipples. Just what I've noticed).

Even my mother (my mother) doesn't see what the big deal is. She doesn't understand why married couples aren't having sex. Until recently, she and my father had sex everyday. (Now that my dad is around 60, it's probably down to 4 times a week). But she just doesn't get why women and men would need help, or at least a place to commiserate. She doesn't get that while breastfeeding, walking around feeling like a cow, it's one less thing to do that could make one feel like livestock.

But she never breastfed us. (And to think, I could have been a contender...)

Shouldn't there be a place to read and comment about sex, as a married, and not feel ashamed of your sex life? I read an article recently, something like "tips for fellatio." And the second tip was "take it in the face." Second tip. I spend the day cleaning the house and doing the dishes and vacuuming, I have a built in receptacle for such things, yet I should participate in another act that requires clean-up? For reals? If you can do it and it makes you happy, that's fantastic! But that's not really advice. More like instructions.

I just want little tips to make the much needed intimate connection go more smoothly. And to be able to transition between SuperMom and SexGoddess. Like a new cape. Or shoes.

Wow. That was an extremely roundabout way to convince myself to get these.

A Brand New You

In our effort to get to know our new post-baby bodies lets look at a few ways we can go about minimizing some of the after effects of pregnancy and delivery...

This installment is simple and you hear it all the time. Just as we must check ourselves for breast cancer (seriously, we're supposed to do that EVERY month!) we must do our kegels. I used to think, "Whatever, I'm not a professional. How strong do my kegels have to be anyway?" Now I think, "I'm so grateful that I can control my bladder all day, every day. How can I keep up this brilliant track record?"

Kegels! Now!

Scheduling Sex: Married People Get It

Scheduling sex, it's a common thread to most articles written about sex and married life. I've always been slightly afraid to try it. Mostly, I hate routines. But also, there's the freedom factor. "Oh, can't got out Tuesday, it's,...um,...I have an appointment."

This article, "Trash Night: What About Sex?"where the author accidentally scheduled her sex sessions on trash night, is hilarious. We all know it's better to be intimate as couples, but after kids it all changes. She questions why sex is so much more desirable to men and why mutual begging became solo begging after childbirth.

Okay, so hormone changes and sheer exhaustion are a couple of the factors, but what about all the positive things a healthy sex life can do? Are we just ignoring those because we're so exhausted? Is a pre-child orgasm different from a postpartum orgasm? You'd think after a day living in a day care a little pleasure could go a long way. But instead it's the opposite.

I can totally identify with the author. I mean, there's no begging, but there is a feeling of "I should hook you up," in our marriage. When I read the comments on the post, I was kind of surprised to see that most of them were about how ridiculous the marriage sounded and how "SCHEDULING SEX?!" was akin to marital suicide (double homicide?). It's no picnic, but the "how sad's" and "if he isn't getting it at home's..." led me to believe these were mostly people without kids. When a mother piped up with:

"You must not be a mother. ;)

Nothing can sap a sex drive like the fatigue that inevitably comes with children. Not to say it can't be revived... "

It was followed by:

Such a cop out. Everybody gets fatigued. Going to work, even to a job you like, is no picnic in today's environment.

I wonder if he's available for babysitting. On trash night.

Sex Tips From Lesbians

This article on The Secret Sex Lives of Lesbians isn't exactly intended as advice for heteros, but there are nevertheless some goodies to be gleaned.

I think our husbands should especially take note of the importance of trimmed fingernails (and what to do with them).

Sexy Movie Thursday: Y Tu Mama Tambien

Two exceeding horny college students take an older woman with them on a road trip to a beach in Mexico. The two male protagonists talk about sex in an adolescent, inexperienced way that alternates between annoying and endearing. Their traveling companion takes it all in stride, and the trio gets closer and closer throughout the journey. The story is very good, and the characters are real, flawed and charming. The sex scenes are steamy and realistic, in their successes and their failures. It's sweet and sad and funny, not at all porn-y.

Will There Be Sex After?
Yes, probably. It's a sexy movie that gets even sexier in act three.

Can you watch it with your husband?
Depends on the husband. There is a brief kiss between the two young men. Very brief. But be forewarned if bro-on-bro kissing is saltpeter for your particular fella.

Trailer: okie-dokie

Vibe of the Week: Hitachi Magic Wand

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

7 Nights of Passion...Who's Got the Energy?

Rabbi Shmuley gives hot n heavy advice to married couples on how to keep love and sex ablaze. I am half-intrigued, half-appalled by his article on 7 Nights to Sexual Intimacy.

The gist of it is that you don't even have real sex until the seventh night. The nights leading up to it are a slow-paced, tantric build-up of intimacy and passion.

The Rabbi says he wants us to widen our definition of sex:

So often sex comes to mean simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. Here, we are demonstrating that sex is all about making love. It involves not just a few parts of the body but all of the body. To make this effective, sexual control and discipline are, of course, mandatory. Succumbing to the desire to purge the sexual urge negates all that you wish to accomplish in terms of heightening arousal and increasing desire.

He makes it sound pretty hot, and I like the idea of widening the definition of sex beyond the you-got-10-minutes routine so many of us engage in.

On the other hand, though, seven nights of pseudo-sex with no orgasm till the end of the week sounds suspiciously like a lot of work.

But if it helps us relax? Reconnect with each other? Maybe it's worth trying. It's only seven nights after all, and as the Rabbi says, "it’s the intimate journey that is the reward."

Weekend Love

7 Things to Say While Getting it On.

"I am fairly fond of you."

That gets me soooo hot.

Sexy Movie Thursday: Sex and Lucia

Complicated plot involves an attention-seeking writer who writes "fiction" about a real-life love affair in his past, the resulting bastard, and his attempts to involve himself in the child's life without the mother (one-night-stand - or rather, one-night-swim, in this case) finding out. Meanwhile, the writer's long-suffering girlfriend, Lucia, is inexplicably attracted to him and has a lot of sex with him. The sex isn't particularly sexy, it seems like it's heavily focused on a male audience. Some random inexplicable masturbation scenes, and a lot of scenes that don't move the story forward, but just have Paz Vega walking around naked, getting a drink of water, wandering around, not talking to anyone, just being naked. Even the relationship seems hollow. On their first meeting, she confesses to having been attracted to the writer from afar and wanting to have sex with him. Well, that's pretty handy, no seduction, no being nice, no taking care of relationship responsibilities, just, "Hi I'm Paz Vega and I'm especially eager to have sex with you, fulfill your striptease fantasies, have more sex, and walk around topless. You don't have to do anything, I'm already aroused. Let's go!"
So, this isn't a turn on for me, but rather the opposite, because I think it reinforces unrealistic and unhealthy stereotypes about how women should behave in sexual relationships. That, and a child gets mauled to death by a dog.

Will There Be Sex After?
Not if you watch it all the way to the end. If you don't have the negative-female-stereotype hang-ups I do, you might want to stop somewhere after act one and put on the Marvin Gaye and see how you do.

Can you watch it with your husband?
Indeed, your husband is probably the target audience. I personally don't like to watch movies like this with my guy, because I think it promotes this idea that this is how real women behave. My guy's smarter than that, but, you know.

Trailer: But it has a nice score.

Vibe of the Week: Rubber Ducky

Think vibrators are too conspicuous? Check out this little guy. The I Rub My Duckie waterproof vibe makes bath time lots of fun! A round head and a pointed tail feature three types of vibration. A little something for everyone.

Recommended Use
Use in the tub or shower or even the Jacuzzi! No need to hide!

Best Features

• Inconspicuous
• A variety of contact areas
• Cute!
• Three vibration levels
• Quiet
• Made of latex-free and phthalate-free PVC
• Three out of five stars with 30 reviews
• Available in travel-size
  

Worst Features

• More water resistant than waterproof
  
• Doesn't float like a true rubber duck, floats on its side
• May not be powerful enough

Cost
$9-$30

drugstore.com
babeland.com

A Little Bit Kinky

There was a time, before kids of course but mostly before marriage too, when I enjoyed getting a little bit kinky. When the relationship is still relatively new and you don't know all of each other's secrets yet, it can be easier to let loose, experiment, suddenly become the kind of person who would do...anything.

Ironically, although years of marriage obviously make you more intimate and comfortable with one another, all that knowing can also put a damper on the adventurous side of sex. Couples tend to settle into their sexual routines: a couple of positions, a few reliable moves, an understanding of what is likely to occur.

Sound boring? Agreed.

That's why I've been thinking of how to make things just A Little Bit Kinky. Here are a few ideas:

1. If your sex life is pure vanilla, maybe a silk scarf tying your wrists together will be incredibly edgy (and drive you incredibly up the wall?). Or, just ask husband to pin down your arms or hold your wrists above your head.

2. On your next date night, suggest that the two of you visit an adult shop together. Make it a rule that you each need to buy something the other will enjoy.

3. If you can pull off a full S&M outfit complete with leather and whip--hey, we say go for it. But most of us would freak out our husbands or (worse) make them laugh. So instead, try something just a little kinkier than your usual going-to-bed outfit. Black lacy bra? Thigh-high stockings? High heels in bed? Crotchless teddy?

4. Try a new position. Doggy style. Reverse cowgirl. Sitting up on a counter while he stands in front of you. (I still need to find a book on sexual positions. I'll do that and write a whole post on the subject sometime in the future, I promise!)

5. Pain can feel good. Ever gotten a spanking in bed? Or shoved a lover down hard? A little roughness at just the right time can be just what the (sex) doctor ordered.

Public Service Announcement

I'm sure we have a few readers who wonder where we stand on the sexual continuum. What do we at YG10M condone; what do we abhor. Just wanted to take a second to say:

We* at YG10M are for anything two, (or three, or four), consenting adult choose to do in their own bedrooms, (or kitchens, or dining rooms).

In case there was any confusion.


*The collective "we." If you want to know each of our proclivities, keep reading!

Porn for Women?

To a lot of women, me (K*) included, porn is a pretty controversial subject. Is it bad for women? Empowering? I still don't have any answers, but I'm a lot closer to understanding it, i.e., not as bad as I once thought and maybe even watchable now. After all, I'm over 30 and more confident in my body and my relationship. But, now, how can I find what turns me on?

The internets are so full of porn that searching seems like shopping in infinity. And the sheer thought of heading behind the curtain in a video store reminds me True Porn Clerk Stories, a hilariously frightening blog. So instead we here at YG10M found some resources to help everyone find what tickles their fancies:

Good Vibrations
Good vibes shoots its own videos and categorizes them for you. You can find the ratings on the website and in the catalog. They also feature plenty of video on demand. And there's section called "New to Porn."

Jane’s Guide
One of the oldest and best adult review sites can be found here. Also featuring book and toy reviews. (NSFW).

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn
Violet Blue’s book is one of the first to take women’s porn interest seriously. Written for the absolute beginner, it’s also a useful handbook for those who have experimented quite a bit with porn but haven’t found much to satisfy them.

It's kind of exciting to think that now we can finally find something that is made by women for women. Because if I have to listen to one more "erotic" story, written by a man, with bad saxophone music in the background I'm going to freak out. Freak. Out.

Thanks Sexier Sex Lessons!