Keeping Up With the Smiths

I make a general assumption that people visiting my house will not be having sex during their visit. Unless it's a couple staying in the guest bedroom for a few days. But a party? A barbeque? No, I figure if you get to feeling randy at my place, that's great! It will give you something to do when you get home.

But maybe I'm way off base. You see it in movies all the time. The hungry, stilettoed lady catches a glimpse of her slick, long-haired mate across the room and the next thing you know they're pounding it out in the bathroom. But that's just Hollywood, isn't it? Real people wouldn't risk flinging all that DNA around a friend's, or even a stranger's home, would they?

Recently, Jada Pinkett Smith talked about her and hubby Will doing just that at parties and even in the limo on the way to the Oscars. (Was that their personal limo? If not, who used it next?) It makes me wonder if I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to get freaky with my husband. I sort of considered it just a common courtesy to control myself. However, discretion and self-control don't come up in a lot of conversations about hot marriages. Maybe I need to be a bit more adventurous...but I'm still suspicious.

Really, Jada? You had sex on the way to the Oscars? I don't care how down to earth you are, your life has to be all about "the image" and controlling what you want and what you do not want said about you, your marriage and your family. And, the OSCARS? It's only the one place and time when any celebrity is the most diligently scrutinized. Really, Jada? I'm sorry, if Will Smith was making eyes at me I would hold him off with my muscled thighs and stiletto heels (this is assuming, of course, that I am used to tapping that on a regular basis and that I have a personal trainer to muscle my thighs.) No. You think again, Mr. Smith, not even you are gonna muss my lipstick tonight! Maybe, Jada, just maybe, you are image savvy and the sex-in-the-limo story amounts to nothing more than a great fantasy that leads us all to believe that you are really that much hotter than the rest of us.

[As an added note: Kimberly tried to find a picture of The Smiths at this year's Oscars. You know what? There weren't any! You know why? That's right. They were doing it. Damn you, Jada, you really are that much hotter than me.]

Kinky Night In: On a Budget

The Frisky had an interesting article recently, Everything You Need For A Kinky Night In. We at YG10M love a shopping trip, but after I added up all of their S&M goodies, the $995 pricetag gave me a jolt. And not the good kind. So I headed off to my local 99 Cents Only store to see what I could find to kinkify your boudoir.

The one thing I knew they would have were the cosmetics. Red nail polish and red lip gloss. Simple, quick changes that can work wonders. Especially a glossy, red mouth!

My next item proved a bit harder. A black push-up bra. Their version was sexy and lacy, and $41, ours is more "sexy girlfriend." A cotton lace-edged tank with a sheer red thong. Which can totally work. Especially for $2.

Riding crop? For reals? Here's what I found for $1:

I know. Not the best. But slightly padded with rubber with a gorgeous rainbow wood stained handle. It's S&M-ie,...no? Well, it gets worse. This one involves crafting skills:

I thought maybe a little hot glue, a bit of leather...smack! Pleasure abounds! Okay, I'm reaching...

For our next accoutrement of pleasure, The Frisky mentions a nice silk rope as a restraint. I love a multi-tasker, and sparkles, so I give you:

After that, and this weird policy the 99 cent store had of setting the air conditioner at 99 degrees, I hightailed it to Target, (my first love), to fill in the rest. Just to recap so far:

The Frisky: $91

YG10M: $7

Now, Target was slightly more complicated, I had left the tougher items for them to fill in. We still need Christian Louboutins, a corset, a blindfold and handcuffs. Not exactly my everyday shopping list. I knew the beauty section would have some kind of face mask and it did not disappoint. This little guy was around $5:

The Louboutins could be thought of as impossible to find, but not with my pioneer spirit! And my deep, dark memory. I read somewhere that Martha Stewart has her assistant black sharpie the bottom of her red soled Louboutins. Inspiration! Black patent heels, on sale for $17.84. Sharpies:$5. Feeling sexy in your own shoes: Priceless.

After my coup with the shoes, I was nearly bubbling over with inspiration. And since I felt my riding crops were sort of,...ridiculous...I was happy to keep looking in the one place I knew I could find something. A place where sex toys and pet toys collide. And? It jingles!

Okay. So I would probably remove the bell. I don't want any Pavlovian reactions come Christmas time.

And last but not least, the corset. That one really got me. The only corset-esque item was a black girdle in the shapewear section. The kind that when shifted, rolls, exposing flesier-flesh than if you were naked. Yuck. So, I went with what I found at the 99 Cents Only store...wait for it...

Okay, so not exactly sexy. But confining, won't roll up on you. Could double as a restraint. Unisex color. (Although not exactly racially sensitive). It could work. What do you want for 99 cents?!

Sorry. Ahem...

That leaves us spending a grand total of $33 which is a savings of $962. That's the same as three cups of coffee a day! And now you get to feel sexy, have some fun and still afford college for your little guys.


*I know, I know, I forgot the handcuffs. Use the scarf!

Ess. Ee. Exx.

I've been searching lately for blogs about sex. Mostly to cut through the crap and find the good stuff for you. But I'm always surprised that I don't find more blogs about sex that aren't about capital S-E-X in flashing neon. Like, can I not be into BDSM (that's bondage and dominance and sadness and mustache) and still be sexual? Can I not want a giant double-ended dildo as part of my accoutrements and still be into sexy time? It's like you have to really, really like sex so much you can't keep yourself from doin' it in Stacy*'s bathroom in order to blog about it. (You also need your avatar to contain your nipples. Just what I've noticed).

Even my mother (my mother) doesn't see what the big deal is. She doesn't understand why married couples aren't having sex. Until recently, she and my father had sex everyday. (Now that my dad is around 60, it's probably down to 4 times a week). But she just doesn't get why women and men would need help, or at least a place to commiserate. She doesn't get that while breastfeeding, walking around feeling like a cow, it's one less thing to do that could make one feel like livestock.

But she never breastfed us. (And to think, I could have been a contender...)

Shouldn't there be a place to read and comment about sex, as a married, and not feel ashamed of your sex life? I read an article recently, something like "tips for fellatio." And the second tip was "take it in the face." Second tip. I spend the day cleaning the house and doing the dishes and vacuuming, I have a built in receptacle for such things, yet I should participate in another act that requires clean-up? For reals? If you can do it and it makes you happy, that's fantastic! But that's not really advice. More like instructions.

I just want little tips to make the much needed intimate connection go more smoothly. And to be able to transition between SuperMom and SexGoddess. Like a new cape. Or shoes.

Wow. That was an extremely roundabout way to convince myself to get these.

Scheduling Sex: Married People Get It

Scheduling sex, it's a common thread to most articles written about sex and married life. I've always been slightly afraid to try it. Mostly, I hate routines. But also, there's the freedom factor. "Oh, can't got out Tuesday, it's,...um,...I have an appointment."

This article, "Trash Night: What About Sex?"where the author accidentally scheduled her sex sessions on trash night, is hilarious. We all know it's better to be intimate as couples, but after kids it all changes. She questions why sex is so much more desirable to men and why mutual begging became solo begging after childbirth.

Okay, so hormone changes and sheer exhaustion are a couple of the factors, but what about all the positive things a healthy sex life can do? Are we just ignoring those because we're so exhausted? Is a pre-child orgasm different from a postpartum orgasm? You'd think after a day living in a day care a little pleasure could go a long way. But instead it's the opposite.

I can totally identify with the author. I mean, there's no begging, but there is a feeling of "I should hook you up," in our marriage. When I read the comments on the post, I was kind of surprised to see that most of them were about how ridiculous the marriage sounded and how "SCHEDULING SEX?!" was akin to marital suicide (double homicide?). It's no picnic, but the "how sad's" and "if he isn't getting it at home's..." led me to believe these were mostly people without kids. When a mother piped up with:

"You must not be a mother. ;)

Nothing can sap a sex drive like the fatigue that inevitably comes with children. Not to say it can't be revived... "

It was followed by:

Such a cop out. Everybody gets fatigued. Going to work, even to a job you like, is no picnic in today's environment.

I wonder if he's available for babysitting. On trash night.

7 Nights of Passion...Who's Got the Energy?

Rabbi Shmuley gives hot n heavy advice to married couples on how to keep love and sex ablaze. I am half-intrigued, half-appalled by his article on 7 Nights to Sexual Intimacy.

The gist of it is that you don't even have real sex until the seventh night. The nights leading up to it are a slow-paced, tantric build-up of intimacy and passion.

The Rabbi says he wants us to widen our definition of sex:

So often sex comes to mean simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. Here, we are demonstrating that sex is all about making love. It involves not just a few parts of the body but all of the body. To make this effective, sexual control and discipline are, of course, mandatory. Succumbing to the desire to purge the sexual urge negates all that you wish to accomplish in terms of heightening arousal and increasing desire.

He makes it sound pretty hot, and I like the idea of widening the definition of sex beyond the you-got-10-minutes routine so many of us engage in.

On the other hand, though, seven nights of pseudo-sex with no orgasm till the end of the week sounds suspiciously like a lot of work.

But if it helps us relax? Reconnect with each other? Maybe it's worth trying. It's only seven nights after all, and as the Rabbi says, "it’s the intimate journey that is the reward."

Weekend Love

7 Things to Say While Getting it On.

"I am fairly fond of you."

That gets me soooo hot.

Public Service Announcement

I'm sure we have a few readers who wonder where we stand on the sexual continuum. What do we at YG10M condone; what do we abhor. Just wanted to take a second to say:

We* at YG10M are for anything two, (or three, or four), consenting adult choose to do in their own bedrooms, (or kitchens, or dining rooms).

In case there was any confusion.


*The collective "we." If you want to know each of our proclivities, keep reading!

Sometimes, Just a Little Is Just Enough

Recently, Kimberly* saw Mario Lopez (that fount of wisdom!) on TV saying that he always goes to sleep intertwined with his lover, and that if you go to sleep back to back, it means the relationship is in trouble.

Um...has the man ever been married for longer than 5 minutes? Has he ever been really tired--the kind of bone-numbing exhaustion that comes when you've got small children? You gotta assume...no.

At our last playgroup, we all had a good laugh over Mario's dumbness, and then revealed our own marital sleeping patterns. Stacy* said that sometimes when she and her husband collapse into bed at night, she reaches over to give him a little pat-pat, so he knows he's loved.

Personally, I don't mind a hug before falling asleep. But I'm a light sleeper and I always run too hot, so there's no way I could fall asleep wrapped up in someone's arms.

Even if it were Robert Pattinson--at some point, I'd need my space. If it were Mario, I have a feeling I'd need a separate bed, just to get away from his grabby arms and sentimental notions.

With my own real-life husband, some tired nights I bid adieu by wiggling my toes against his toes. It may not sound like much to some people, but to us, it's love.

And, once my toes have wiggled good night, I can go back to dreaming about Robert Pattinson.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

Another reason to get it on:

Researchers have found that having an orgasm can help you fight off common illnesses. Manfred Schedlowski discovered that sexual activity increases adrenaline and prolactin plasma concentrations as well as the number of white blood cells. Which help your body fight disease.

So, the next time you feel a cold coming on, don't reach for the echinacea, reach for,...well, you know...

Top 10 Things to Do To Have Sex With Me Tonight

10. Instead of Facebook poker, try kitchen cleaning.

9. Take the kids to the park for an hour.
Tire them out.

8. Bring home dinner.
Doesn't have to be fancy.
Take and bake pizza, I don't care.

7. Pick up the bedroom.
It's hard to feel sexy while staring at your stinky socks.

6. Give me a sincere compliment.
Don't tell me I'm cute.

5. Bring me a cocktail and/or chocolate.
In a pretty glass. On a nice plate.

4. Get the kids bathed and tucked in.
Not one or the other. Both.

3. Rent a movie to watch with me. (And not that kind).
If we sense forethought, there may be foreplay.

2. Kiss my neck sans boner.
If I want one, I know how to get it.

1. Tell me I'm a great mother.

Action!

The Frisky posted a link to a Gizmodo post where the editors asked their readers, or, to be more specific, nerds, about the kind of equipment they used to film themselves having sex. (Whew!)

Hilarity ensued.

(I went and read all the comments. Good times...)

Vibe of the Week: We-Vibe

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Wild Thing

Trying to get pregnant? Looks like wilder, more orgasmic sex gives you a better chance at conception.

"Fertility experts say that women who orgasm during intercourse have a much higher chance of conceiving."

And men produce 50% more sperm.

So, ladies, go crazy and be selfish. Your uterus needs you.


from BettyConfidential.com

Small Actors, Big Parts

Role play has somehow been in the cards for me lately. I keep finding tips and articles and more recently a short story involving sexy costumes and naughty characters. Now, you'd think I'd be all up in its business being an actress and all. But I'm a little meh about it. Like, you're never gonna have to fight me for that Princess Leia outfit at the party store. Nor the sexy fill-in-the-blank.

But that doesn't mean I can't role play in my mind.

Intrigued?

I was reading a short story about a woman who put on a costume and pretended to be a prostitute and let her husband get anal with her. I'm not going there, it's not our anniversary, but part of the delight was that with the costume, she felt more like the character and felt sexier and was more willing to try new things.

So why not skip the costume and just play that hooker in your mind? No need to hit the wig shop. Instead of a catholic school girl, why not pretend you're a woman who gives the best head? Or maybe you're the woman who's completely in charge and takes control like a boss. Or even the sexy teacher showing her student the "Fibonacci sequence."

Confidence is half the battle in the bedroom. So mentally costuming can only add to the fun. It'll be easier to try that new position or toy if you're not in your head, but somebody else is...

Tips for Date Night

Everyone says how important date night is for the marriage. Oftentimes a slow down in the bedroom can be immediately reversed by just a little adult only time. I recently enjoyed a really great date night with my husband and remembered why it's the number one piece of advice for parents. My husband and I don't have a sitter that we use, so we rely on the kindness of family members to watch our children. Here are a couple of other ways to go about it:

• Swap with another couple that is as desperate as you are to get out. You watch their kids, they'll watch yours. This could be tricky for a late date, as it would disrupt bedtime schedules, so maybe make it a matinee and early dinner date on a Saturday. Get home just in time for the kids to be exhausted and maybe you'll get the evening to yourselves as well. And once the kids are old enough, you can swap sleepovers and really get a night to yourself.
  

• Look into Parents' Night Out options locally. Many indoor playgrounds and gyms, such as My Gym, offer an evening of tiring fun for the kids while you and your husband go to dinner and whatever. This way you can think of it as a treat for the whole family. Also, many churches offer a similar service.

• Split up the night out. Kimberly* has a friend who goes out with the girls for a couple of hours and then gets home in time for her husband's late meet-up with his buddies. They both get a break without the babysitting fees. Maybe the reconnecting-with-your-spouse part comes later in the evening, but who cares as long as your getting it?

Once all the stars align and you work out some child care solution, here are some other things to consider for date night.

• Have sex first. If you can, drop those kids off and come back home. It's intoxicating to have your home to yourself. You can make noise, play music that's inappropriate for children and generally be an adult like you used to. If you and your husband start the evening with a little grown-up pleasure, believe me it will only get better. Then you can go out (or not) and there's always time for a little more loving once the kids are home and sleeping.

• Try not to over-schedule. Leave time for spontaneity. Don't try dinner and a movie if you're going to have to rush back. My husband and I had a great time wandering leisurely through a jewelry store together. We weren't going to buy a thing and that made it feel like such an indulgence.

• Maybe read a newspaper. Some people have a hard and fast rule; no talking about the kids on date night. I'm not one of those. I like to talk about our children when they can't overhear us. However, I need to be ready for the conversation to move on to other topics. This can be really hard for me because I don't pay attention to anything going on in the world. I think from now on I'm going to prepare for date night by reading up on a few things. I'm not saying you should prep for a job interview or the Larry King Show, just what interests you. Check out some entertainment news or maybe read up on your favorite sports teams. Maybe even check out what has gone viral on YouTube. Just don't be boring!

Kimberly*? Jen*? Thoughts to share?

Guide to Junk

In a recent episode of Pot Psychology, a hilariously candid video advice column, Rich reveals that for a time he could not "finish" solely from oral sex. Someone wrote in regarding a boyfriend who doesn't ejaculate from oral sex. And she was wondering if it was her fault. I thought this was interesting, because I bet a lot of women think they're doing something wrong, when it could just be your man.

According to this article from Lifscript: A Girls' Guide to Her Guy's Equipment: 8 things you should know about his penis, a man's equipment is only as good as he treats it. Therefore, if he's not gettin' off, it's not you, it's him.

The article also has information about size and stamina. And information about morning wood and blue balls. And also that "erectile woes are often the first indicator of serious health problems." So having sex can be like a visit to the doctor. You just need your sexy doctor outfit!

Talkin' Sex

There's a line at the end of the latest Chris Rock HBO Special, Kill the Messenger. He says something about fellatio that would make Dr. Ruth blush and then says "Half the women in this audience think that's disgusting. The other half are in loving relationships."

I laughed so hard I peed a little! It's so true!

I have a friend who recently got engaged and she was talking about the love making being very loving. But she prefers something a little rougher. And was worried about telling her fiance.

If you view marriage as "'til death do you part," that's a long time to go without getting what you want. So talk to your partner. It can be embarrassing, but this person loves you and wants to make you happy. Maybe whisper it in his ear in the heat of the moment. Or there's always the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Which might not work for every sexual quirk, but could be fun! I have been known to take my husbands hands and place them where I want them. No words, just moving and he gets the picture.

Sex in loving relationships is a little like Vegas, what happens there, stays there. So be honest and don't deny yourself pleasure! Who knows? Your husband could want the same thing, but is afraid to tell you! And you could be missing out on mind blowing sex because of a little embarrassment.

Incentives

An article in the New York Times entitled "When Sex Leaves the Marriage" will tell you everything you need to know about why our mission here at You Got 10 Minutes is so important!

Couples who have more sex are happier and stay together longer. Also, the longer you go without, the harder it is to get back the intimacy. So don't go thinking that you two will be like porn stars once the kids go to college because it will be way too late!

Also, here's what I learned: the average married couple has sex 58 times a year. Maybe I'll start keeping track and see how we measure up!

Don't Shut Down the Sexy

I'm loving this blog. I'm getting great ideas, I'm gaining confidence and things are going well in my marriage bed. But something always kills the momentum. It's like your gym membership. Remember, that monthly bill that you pay and ignore even though you don't quite know where your membership card is anymore? "I was doing great for two whole months, but then I got sick and my mom came to visit and then things picked up at work or preschool or American Idol..." Before you know it you're out of the habit again.

Same thing happens with sex for me. We'll be doing great. Stealing our sexy time two or three times a week and feeling good about it. Then something comes up. Usually my period. Then someone gets sick and just plain needs to sleep. Or the kids get sick and someone has to stay up all night. Then we go visit some relatives and sleep on a crappy air mattress in their basement and no way is that going to happen. Before I know it, we feel like strangers again.

The problem is, I'm pretty good at shutting off my sexual desires. I don't believe that I need sex (even though I'm starting to realize that I'm better off with more of it.) Kimberly* and I spoke about this and she thinks it goes hand in hand with being a mom. She said, "As moms, have we not taken the worst chicken breast, the smallest baked potato? How easy to slip from denying yourself in one part of your life to denying yourself in all parts." It's so true and it's precisely why we need more pleasure in the bedroom, not less of it. I need to really make the mental shift that sex is something good and pleasurable for me, not just something I do for my husband. So I will deal with the setbacks that life gives me and then I will put on that sexy movie, drink a glass of wine in my lingerie and I will not shut down the sexy!

Fantasizing About Fantasies

Sometimes a good fantasy is all you need after a day of folding laundry and making pot roast. That moment before bed when you lie there, contemplating sex and maybe thinking yourself into it. Maybe you envision your husband is a vampire or simply a sexy stranger. It can be very exciting! Now, actually telling your husband, that can be terrifying!

Amber Madison, the resident sexpert of Betty Confidential.com, answers questions about sexual fantasies and has tips to help you communicate them to your partner. She also reminds us that they are fantasies, not realities.

So, I'll leave you to it. The pool boy is here and my parent's are out of town...