How Not to Ruin Date Night

Gone on any date nights lately? Chances are, you're doing it all wrong.

I've been conducting an informal poll of my friends and have discovered that their date nights are not ending in sex nearly enough, and it's because they're making easily avoidable mistakes.

Dressing Like a Slob

One friend, let's call her B, told me that she got a babysitter at the last minute and went out for a fast food dinner and movie with her boyfriend. I asked her what she wore, and she shrugged and said "Shorts and a stained shirt." Seriously? I don't care if you're going out at the last minute, you still have enough time to put on tight jeans, a clean shirt and lipstick. Make yourself look good for your man--and insist he do the same. A little sexy underwear underneath isn't a bad idea either.

Eating Like a Pig

Cheeseburger with everything? All you can eat pasta? Double desserts? I understand you're excited to go out to eat without the kids, but you're not doing your figure or your sex life any favors when you order a feast. You know what happens when you eat a big heavy meal? You go home and go to bed with Tums. Instead, keep it light with sushi or a salad, and order dessert to go. It will taste better when it's the final course of the entire evening.

Being a Sloppy Drunk

This is a classic mistake, and I'm certainly guilty of it. If you drink a bottle of wine at dinner and come home hours later, your buzz will be gone and you may have a head or tummy ache. Instead, don't drink during the date (or minimize it), and wait till you get home to knock back a couple. Then you can take immediate advantage of your enhanced mood.

Seeing a Movie. Again.

My friend C told me that they go out twice a month, and all they ever do is see a movie (and often have popcorn for dinner). Nothing wrong with movies--especially if it's a sexy one. But something unique might put you in a more romantic mood. Plan ahead for an evening at the theater, a jazz club, or anything else that sounds different and fun. The new experience will give you more to talk about and set the stage for a deeper connection.

Ruining the Conversation

My friend J actually got it right--she and her husband have a rule to not talk about the kids on date night. And our very own Stacy has said she likes to read the newspaper before a date so she's armed with topics of conversation. Don't forget the lesson I learned about avoiding controversial subjects. Instead, compliment each other, reminisce about your romantic beginnings, maybe even try a little dirty talk.

Just Remember This

If all these rules are making you tired, just remember this: Treat the entire date night as foreplay. Make your time together be a tantric build-up to the hot sex you both deserve when you get back home.

A Brand New You: "Mummy Tummy"

After pregnancy and childbirth, many women are left with a separation in their abdominal muscles called a diastasis recti. This is problematic for several reasons:

• It's not sexy. It can leave you with a pot belly that makes you feel like you always look pregnant.
• It can lead to pain. The abdominal separation itself is not painful but the weakness in your core muscles can lead to back pain or a hernia if left untreated.
• Normal abdominal exercises can make it worse. You've got to heal the diastasis before you can do regular crunches or other common core exercises or you may exacerbate the problem.
  

An article called 5 Things to Know About Mummy Tummy gives a great overview and includes a description of some exercises to help reverse the condition.

If you suspect you have diastasis recti, get diagnosed first. (Duh.) I would recommend finding a physical therapist who specializes in women's health to help you heal, but there are also exercise videos and books available if you search around. One book that seems popular is Lose Your Mummy Tummy by Julie Tuppler.

A Brand New You

In our effort to get to know our new post-baby bodies lets look at a few ways we can go about minimizing some of the after effects of pregnancy and delivery...

This installment is simple and you hear it all the time. Just as we must check ourselves for breast cancer (seriously, we're supposed to do that EVERY month!) we must do our kegels. I used to think, "Whatever, I'm not a professional. How strong do my kegels have to be anyway?" Now I think, "I'm so grateful that I can control my bladder all day, every day. How can I keep up this brilliant track record?"

Kegels! Now!

A Brand New You

I knew my lifestyle would change when I had kids. Hopefully, most of us figured that one out. As for my body, I figured I'd have stretch marks and bigger boobs but other than that my body would regain it's pre-pregnancy status once I lost the baby weight. It just goes to show that many of us have no idea what we're getting ourselves into.

Why did I think my boobs would be bigger? Wishful thinking, I guess. I was wrong. They're smaller. And I got the stretch marks I planned for. I also got separated abdominal muscles, a hernia, weakened hip joints, a C-section scar befitting two ten pound babies and all new hormone cocktails, just to name a few changes. The hernia and abdominal weaknesses led me to a wonderful physical therapist who helped me regain some strength and begin to rebuild a new body for me to carry around for the remainder. Just when I was feeling sorry for myself, she told me I should be glad I hadn't pushed out my oversized babies because then I could be looking at weakened pelvic floor muscles that could lead to things like incontinence and sagging or prolapsing organs...that means your bladder, anus or vagina could start to fall out! Oh, God! Why do you martyr the mothers so?

The worst part about all of this for me is that I only found my physical therapist because I knew someone who worked in her office. In our country, unlike many European nations, our medical professionals don't automatically discuss any of these possible post-partum issues with us. It would be oh, too easy for a new mom to think, "I guess this is just how I am now," while quietly suffering.

We at YG10M know how hard it is to get the sexy back in your marriage in the odd and frightening new world of motherhood but think how impossible it's going to be if you're equipment just isn't working right. So if your body or sex just aren't feeling right after the baby, get thee to a doctor or a physical therapist without delay. Muscle weaknesses can be corrected to a certain degree and strength maintained through physical therapy. You don't want to wait until you're shopping the adult diaper isle, you want to address it now. As Kimberly* said to me recently, "post-partum" is not just a couple of months, it's the rest of your life!

Maybe you've got Vulvar varicose veins, or a painful episiotomy scar. Maybe you can't wait as long before you have to pee anymore. Maybe you're feeling like things have shifted and there's a weight down there you didn't feel before. However pregnancy, labor and delivery took their toll on you, you are not the only one. And if you feel like everything has changed since you had kids, it's because it has! This is the brand new you, so get to know her and give her all the help she needs to feel good again.

And also? Do your kegels.

(Not) Doing It All

I have discovered that being the type of woman who can Do It All leads to Not Doing It At All. At least for me.

I'm a stay-at-home-mom of many small children who has done smidges of freelance work in the past. But I recently took on a large freelance project that has pretty much taken over all my spare time, and then some. Now, I'm squeezing in work all day long in between the home and childcare duties.

My husband hasn't changed his schedule. So when he gets home at night and flops on the couch and says he's tired...it's not that I don't believe him, but I can't help but think how much more tired and drained I am. Not only did I work too, but I did it while still keeping the rest of our lives running.

Resentment=not hot.

I've stopped exercising. I'm not sleeping well. I haven't been treating myself to anything except a bowl of ice cream at night before collapsing.

And, obviously, I haven't been having any sex.

I think that if I had to go back to work fulltime it would be easier than this. Working in a nice quiet office all day long would be relaxing in many ways, and we'd all settle into the groove. But this patchwork of home and family and work is not working, and the romance department received the most massive cuts of all.

I'm here to admit that I can't do it all, and when this job is over I will go back to being a plain old mom and wife (and lover) with more satisfaction (and hopefully a lot more lovin').

Sexy Back

I have a good friend who was having trouble "getting back on the horse" after childbirth. She tried a few things, but couldn't seem to get back up there. Then, she bought a treadmill. She started walk/running at least 30 minutes a day. After a few days she said, "I think this may be my self-actualization sex readjustment tool."

Not everyone is going to respond to that particular "tool" the way my friend did. But there are other ways. Here's a woman who got a bikini wax shaped like a martini and got her sex life back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the same things don't work for everyone. Some women try exercise, some try vitamins, and some--like me--try Cape Cods.

Maybe trying a few new things could be the key to unlocking your sexy door. What's worked for you?

Sex Chair

This article, The Plain, Unmarked Box Arrived, made me laugh. It's about a couple with two kids who buy The Esse Sex Chair. This is exactly what would happen if I bought one...


The Plain, Unmarked Box Arrived by Lori Jakiela [NYTimes]

Let's Get Physical!

I've been exercising lately. (Which, for me, is highly suspect). When I'm not on the treadmill listening to Fergie, I'm taking classes to work on my core. After two c-sections, my ab muscles are a little,...loose. Pilates seems to be helping, and I couldn't help but notice how much exercise we do with our pelvis. All the while clenching our PC muscles. In fact, my instructor wants us to both "press our belly button to our spine" all day while simultaneously doing our kegels. I always feel amazing after class and wanted to pass along that feeling.

Because these exercises would be impossible for me, a novice, to explain, I found My Secret Spiritual Dance to do it for me. The blog also features information on tantric sex, which, if I had the time, I might think about trying. But, you know,...you got 10 minutes...