How Not to Ruin Date Night

Gone on any date nights lately? Chances are, you're doing it all wrong.

I've been conducting an informal poll of my friends and have discovered that their date nights are not ending in sex nearly enough, and it's because they're making easily avoidable mistakes.

Dressing Like a Slob

One friend, let's call her B, told me that she got a babysitter at the last minute and went out for a fast food dinner and movie with her boyfriend. I asked her what she wore, and she shrugged and said "Shorts and a stained shirt." Seriously? I don't care if you're going out at the last minute, you still have enough time to put on tight jeans, a clean shirt and lipstick. Make yourself look good for your man--and insist he do the same. A little sexy underwear underneath isn't a bad idea either.

Eating Like a Pig

Cheeseburger with everything? All you can eat pasta? Double desserts? I understand you're excited to go out to eat without the kids, but you're not doing your figure or your sex life any favors when you order a feast. You know what happens when you eat a big heavy meal? You go home and go to bed with Tums. Instead, keep it light with sushi or a salad, and order dessert to go. It will taste better when it's the final course of the entire evening.

Being a Sloppy Drunk

This is a classic mistake, and I'm certainly guilty of it. If you drink a bottle of wine at dinner and come home hours later, your buzz will be gone and you may have a head or tummy ache. Instead, don't drink during the date (or minimize it), and wait till you get home to knock back a couple. Then you can take immediate advantage of your enhanced mood.

Seeing a Movie. Again.

My friend C told me that they go out twice a month, and all they ever do is see a movie (and often have popcorn for dinner). Nothing wrong with movies--especially if it's a sexy one. But something unique might put you in a more romantic mood. Plan ahead for an evening at the theater, a jazz club, or anything else that sounds different and fun. The new experience will give you more to talk about and set the stage for a deeper connection.

Ruining the Conversation

My friend J actually got it right--she and her husband have a rule to not talk about the kids on date night. And our very own Stacy has said she likes to read the newspaper before a date so she's armed with topics of conversation. Don't forget the lesson I learned about avoiding controversial subjects. Instead, compliment each other, reminisce about your romantic beginnings, maybe even try a little dirty talk.

Just Remember This

If all these rules are making you tired, just remember this: Treat the entire date night as foreplay. Make your time together be a tantric build-up to the hot sex you both deserve when you get back home.

Minty Fresh Male Grooming

At a girls night recently, I was describing how, before a night of romance, I like to spend a few minutes alone so I can change into something sexy, spritz on a little perfume, and make the mental transition from mom to sex goddess. One of my girlfriends loved this idea, and asked if my husband gets himself all "minty fresh" too.

Hmm. Come to think of it, he doesn't. When I enter the bedroom feeling sultry and ready for action, he is generally lying on the bed in his undies, possibly finishing up a round of Facebook poker. I guess it doesn't bother me exactly, but now that I think about it, it would be nice if he also took a few minutes to make himself more appealing.

The topic then segued into male grooming in general. How many husbands trim the hair down there? How many bother to take a shower before sex once in a while? How many go to the effort of brushing teeth and swishing with mouthwash before leaning in for soul kisses?

Turned out that among the four of us who were there that night, we all had complaints about our husbands' lack of effort. One woman even commented that if her husband would make more of an effort to be fresh and clean downstairs, she'd be willing to go down there more often.

Maybe we need an addendum to our suggestions to husbands for how to get lucky more often. If my man went to the effort to clean up and smell good, I would feel wooed. Attracted. And he'd get more of what he wants, more often.

Sex Tips From Lesbians

This article on The Secret Sex Lives of Lesbians isn't exactly intended as advice for heteros, but there are nevertheless some goodies to be gleaned.

I think our husbands should especially take note of the importance of trimmed fingernails (and what to do with them).

A Little Bit Kinky

There was a time, before kids of course but mostly before marriage too, when I enjoyed getting a little bit kinky. When the relationship is still relatively new and you don't know all of each other's secrets yet, it can be easier to let loose, experiment, suddenly become the kind of person who would do...anything.

Ironically, although years of marriage obviously make you more intimate and comfortable with one another, all that knowing can also put a damper on the adventurous side of sex. Couples tend to settle into their sexual routines: a couple of positions, a few reliable moves, an understanding of what is likely to occur.

Sound boring? Agreed.

That's why I've been thinking of how to make things just A Little Bit Kinky. Here are a few ideas:

1. If your sex life is pure vanilla, maybe a silk scarf tying your wrists together will be incredibly edgy (and drive you incredibly up the wall?). Or, just ask husband to pin down your arms or hold your wrists above your head.

2. On your next date night, suggest that the two of you visit an adult shop together. Make it a rule that you each need to buy something the other will enjoy.

3. If you can pull off a full S&M outfit complete with leather and whip--hey, we say go for it. But most of us would freak out our husbands or (worse) make them laugh. So instead, try something just a little kinkier than your usual going-to-bed outfit. Black lacy bra? Thigh-high stockings? High heels in bed? Crotchless teddy?

4. Try a new position. Doggy style. Reverse cowgirl. Sitting up on a counter while he stands in front of you. (I still need to find a book on sexual positions. I'll do that and write a whole post on the subject sometime in the future, I promise!)

5. Pain can feel good. Ever gotten a spanking in bed? Or shoved a lover down hard? A little roughness at just the right time can be just what the (sex) doctor ordered.

Top 10 Things to Do To Have Sex With Me Tonight

10. Instead of Facebook poker, try kitchen cleaning.

9. Take the kids to the park for an hour.
Tire them out.

8. Bring home dinner.
Doesn't have to be fancy.
Take and bake pizza, I don't care.

7. Pick up the bedroom.
It's hard to feel sexy while staring at your stinky socks.

6. Give me a sincere compliment.
Don't tell me I'm cute.

5. Bring me a cocktail and/or chocolate.
In a pretty glass. On a nice plate.

4. Get the kids bathed and tucked in.
Not one or the other. Both.

3. Rent a movie to watch with me. (And not that kind).
If we sense forethought, there may be foreplay.

2. Kiss my neck sans boner.
If I want one, I know how to get it.

1. Tell me I'm a great mother.

Small Actors, Big Parts

Role play has somehow been in the cards for me lately. I keep finding tips and articles and more recently a short story involving sexy costumes and naughty characters. Now, you'd think I'd be all up in its business being an actress and all. But I'm a little meh about it. Like, you're never gonna have to fight me for that Princess Leia outfit at the party store. Nor the sexy fill-in-the-blank.

But that doesn't mean I can't role play in my mind.

Intrigued?

I was reading a short story about a woman who put on a costume and pretended to be a prostitute and let her husband get anal with her. I'm not going there, it's not our anniversary, but part of the delight was that with the costume, she felt more like the character and felt sexier and was more willing to try new things.

So why not skip the costume and just play that hooker in your mind? No need to hit the wig shop. Instead of a catholic school girl, why not pretend you're a woman who gives the best head? Or maybe you're the woman who's completely in charge and takes control like a boss. Or even the sexy teacher showing her student the "Fibonacci sequence."

Confidence is half the battle in the bedroom. So mentally costuming can only add to the fun. It'll be easier to try that new position or toy if you're not in your head, but somebody else is...

Martini for Mama

You may have noticed that we approve of alcohol as a means of getting in the mood for sex. We're not saying it's the only way...but if a drink helps us relax and and makes the old husband look a mite more attractive than usual...then it seems like a pretty good thing.

Here are my super-easy directions for having Mama Martinis at home...any time you want.

1. Buy a bottle of vodka and put it in the freezer. It won't freeze solid--it stays liquid and wonderfully cold. If you have a shaker and a swank glass, so much the better (though they're not required).


2. Choose a mixer--whatever's on hand. Juice, soda, sparkling lemonade. Pretty much anything you like the taste of, you'll like even more with a shot of vodka.


Hey, if the only thing you've got is a juice box...go for it.


Some leftover colored sugar in the pantry? Sweet. Rub a lemon wedge (or a finger dipped in juice) around the rim of your glass and dip it in the sugar. Add your juice and vodka, and a little ice if you like.


Well lookee here! A pretty pink drink that took about 30 seconds to fix. You'll feel gorgeous and grown-up sipping this, and you'll look hot to your husband when he sees you relaxing and enjoying yourself.


Bottoms up! Got any favorite mixers to recommend?

Sexy songs

Kimberly* and I are blogging live and in person from a playdate. Our kids are running around in princess dresses, eating popcorn and playing in the backyard while we talk about es-ee-ex in codewords. 

We've been listening to iTunes and putting together what we think is a pretty damn sexy song list for romantic evenings in the bedroom (or wherever). I think I'll tell my husband that a great Mother's Day or anniversary gift would be some sort of clock radio thingie that I can plug the iPod into. Add champagne and my new song list, and presto! Sexy night achieved.

Here's our list. Anyone got any suggestions to add to it?

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

Little Red Corvette by Prince

Crush by Dave Matthews Band

Every Breath You Take by the Police

I Drove All Night by Cyndi Lauper

I Can't Help Falling in Love by UB40

1, 2, 3, 4 by Plain White T's

Pepper by Butthole Surfers

Crazy for You by Madonna

Holding Out for a Hero by Frou Frou

The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars

P.D.A. by John Legend

Human by The Killers

Come Undone by Duran Duran

What Goes Around by Justin Timberlake

Delicious.

I was never in to oral sex. There. I said it. Not my favorite thing to do with my spare time. I'm pretty cool with not tasting semen. But I wanted to make my husband happy. And that man waited a long time after babies until I was ready.

So, how do you do it, if it's not your favorite thing? I pretended it was. Seriously. Worked like a charm. It actually became more enjoyable for me which made it more enjoyable for him.
Dr. Debby Herbenick of mysexprofessor.com writes about making oral sex better. Tip #1, "Decide that you like it." Exactly!

If it helps me get through my workouts, why not oral sex?